Supreme Court Announces Initial Public Stock Offering

"These Justices are Supreme Plutocratic Assholes," DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - The Supreme Court of the United States has registered with the Securities and Exchange Commission for an Initial Public Stock Offering (IPO) under the name SCOTUS, Inc.  The Company will be traded on the Atlantic City Stock Exchange (ACX) under the symbol SCOTUS. "We are excited to allow the Free Market to determine the value of American Justice," states Antonin "Big Tone" Scalia, Chairman of SCOTUS, Inc.

Wall Street Investment Banking firm Goldman Sachs O'Money is the Lead Underwriter in the 'Too Large to Fail Banking Syndicate,' commonly referred to as the FailSafe.  Goldman CEO and Grand Master of the Multiverse, Lloyd "BlankCheck" Blankfein, confirmed, "Goldman Sachs O'Money, Bank of We Own America, JPMorgan Chase If You Want It Back, and Merrill Lynch Anyone That Tries is the FailSafe Syndicate underwriting all American Justice offerings."

The Success of the SCOTUS Offering is expected to unleash a torrent of Justice IPO's.  FailSafe Syndicate Press secretary, Rufus Tufus, claimed, "The Fuck'n Justice Bull is rag'n... da Offer'ns Sold Out... Justice be da Next Great American Bubble."

Both the Third and Fifth Courts of Appeal have retained the FailSafe Syndicate for due diligence reviews on their books to determine valuations.  "I expect all 11 Appeals Courts and most of the 94 District Courts will go public within the next two years," claims Blankfien.

The SCOTUS, Inc. Prospectus states, "funds raised by the Initial Public Offering will be invested in the SCOTUS Free Speech Futures Trading Desk on the Unalienable Rights Mercantile Exchange (RiteX)."  A recent Supreme Court ruling in Citizens United v. Federal Elections Commission conferred Corporate Citizens, Labor Unions and Organizations the same free speech rights as Natural Citizens.  The Ruling reversed a One Hundred Year Precedent.

The RiteX temporarily halted trading when 90-Day-US-Free-Speech Futures Contracts (US-Frees) tripled in value to $1,209.21 per syllable from $398.21 in three hours.  "The Business of Justice has changed, It requires a much greater investment in US Free Speech to maintain Market Share," offers Scallia, "SCOTUS, Inc. will be the Market Leader in Free Speech 

Trading.  

Asked for comment, DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, offered, "These Justices are Supreme Plutocratic Assholes.  Free Speech is not a commodity purchasable by the highest Bidder!" 

NOTES:

1. New York Times - Justices Overturn Key Campaign Limits
2. The Washing Post - The Supreme Court removes important limits on campaign finance
3. AlterNet - Supreme Court's 'Radical and Destructive' Decision Hands Over Democracy to the Corporations
4. Citizen Works - Why Corporate Personhood Matters and What it Means