Global Warming Out of Retirement, Top Contender for 2012 GDF Belt

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - Global Warming, who claimed to be going into retirement from global destruction competition after racking up an impressive 15,000 American warm temperature records in March, is back. 

According to data from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, or NOAA, the globe recorded its warmest September on record, tying Global Warming’s own 2005 record. In addition, Global Warming pummeled Arctic Ice Cap in it’s annual summer bout bringing the ice to it’s knees and nearly taking it out of competition for good.

"You really thought I’d stay in retirement?" stated Global Warming, adding, "I'm the greatest global destroyer since Asteroid Impact won the belt in the Cretaceous-Paleogene Extinction Main Event back in 65ma ."


Now that Global Warming is officially out of retirement, it’s considered the leading contender to take the planet out in the Global Destruction Federation's (GDF) upcoming Mayan Prophesies 2012 Main Event. Global Warming’s return to competition has bumped Nuclear Fallout from the top seed in the GDF rankings.

In an interview with Famine, the retired antediluvian global destroyer, now an anchor on ESPN's Apocalypse Center, Nuclear Fallout claimed, “I was just sparring with Fukushima. With the nuclear arms race heat'in back up, Global Warming ain’t got noth’in on me.”

Since 2008 Societal Collapse has shown renewed vigor in pursuit of the GDF belt. Societal Collapse holds multiple championship titles including it’s unforgettable annihilation of the Mycenaean Kingdom, the Hittite Empire, and the New Kingdom of Egypt for the Bronze Age Collapse Title. It’s not surprising that Societal Collapse would return for the 2012 competition considering its destruction of the Mayan civilization in the Classic Maya Collapse Title bout.

“Societal Collapse can never be counted out,” states Famine. “It’s been misunderstood and underestimated for millennia. I think we’re seeing hints of a return in the ongoing European Union bout. Societal Collapse is known to sneak up on its opponents.”

Obama Operative Breaks into DonJon 2012 Headquarters Film Reveals

Chelsea Hotel (MP)- The Obama campaign was caught red handed breaking into the DonJon End-of-the-World 2012 campaign headquarters. The video sent from a disaffected Obama staffer to Moloch the Plutocracy shows an unknown Obama operative behind the camera sneaking up to the DonJon 2012 headquarters, opening the garage door, and filming DonJon’s “top-secret campaign vehicle.” At the end of the video the operative behind the camera begins to run out when DonJon arrives.  

DonJon’s campaign has been markedly silent in the past weeks working on their next move which included the deployment of the top-secret vehicle. The video does not disclose the inner workings of the modified bicycle trailer, but sources confirm that it includes stealth satellite-blocking technology, a explosive-resistant carbon-fiber casing, and early 90’s mobile phone technology.    

The authenticity of the video has been confirmed.

2:50 pm 10-16-12: BREAKING UPDATE: It has just been reported to Moloch the Plutocracy that DonJon's campaign cowboy hat was heisted during the break-in. His "was to be famous" chapeau was adorned with his red, white, and blue dread locks and a matching bandanna bow in back. Because of it's unique power of persuasive visual rhetoric, it's understandable that the hat would be a target of the Obama plumbers that have been fingered for the break-in.  

The Huygens Explicator Dances to Decidedly Conservative Diddy

Chelsea Hotel (MP)- Our newest media partner, The Huygens Explicator, continues to dance to a mendaciously conservative tune. A recent opinion piece by Dutch Buckley, a society contributor to this publication, suggests that Mitt Romney's conflict-of-interest on his China policy is, in fact, the Presidents fault. We always respect the freedom of opinion of our media partners, but seriously dude!

Read the Full Article Here

'The Full Biden' New Obamacare Requirement

Chelsea Hotel (MP)- During the Vice Presidential debate between Joe “DJ Gaffe Master” Biden and Paul “Voters Shrugged” Ryan the issue of a new requirement in the Affordable Care Act, commonly referred to as Obamacare, took Ryan, the media, and viewers by surprise.

The procedure called the ‘Full Biden’ is required coverage for all small business provided health insurance programs. Considered a wellness requirement by Obama death panel czars, the procedure gives the patient an affable ageless appearance, including shit eating grin and shifty squinting eyes.

The revelation came when Biden summoned the Greek God of Eternal Youth and Blank Stares, Botoxus, during a discussion on Medicare. Ryan brought up the $716 billion in Medicare savings that was shifted to Obamacare when Biden raised his arms and declared, “God, deliver us from the mendacious malarky.” The hand of Botoxus appeared from above and gave the Vice President an injection smoothing the crows feet that had deepened as the debate had dragged on.

Startled, Ryan turned his Romney Ryan 2012 baseball cap backwards and said, “Bro, that’s a whole new  entitlement this country cannot afford.” Ryan proceeded to explain that his medicare voucher proposal would allow seniors to summon Botoxus if they choose, but they would have to forego other benefits such as the cherry filling in the Part D donut hole.

Asked for comment, the DonJon 2012 End-of-the-World campaign provided a statement, “The time has come to end all this trivial idiocy and look to the futureless future for the answer to Humanity's ills.”

Excitement On Par With Sporting Spectacle at First Presidential Debate

Christopher Huygens delivers another conservative blunderbuss in his commentary on the first presidential debate.   

"It could be said that the first Presidential Debate was as exciting as the annual Continental Cup of Curling, and ask any of my closest acquaintances, I love the Continental Cup of Curling. I’ll never forget the showdown in 2002, when North America took the Cup as the Canadian team of Kevin Martin and his sweepers won decidedly over the Swedish team in the skins game."

Read the full article here.

We Welcome The Huygens Explicator to Our Blogroll

A SPECIAL NOTE TO OUR READERS FROM OUR

ECCENTRIC PUBLISHER

MoReaders:

Christopher Huygens, Editor and Publisher
of The Huygens Explicator

Moloch the Plutocracy takes pride in providing a forum for open debate. We have a point of view, but you do as well, and in pursuit of truth we welcome them all... Well, almost all. Join us in welcoming The Huygens Explicator to out blogroll. Whether it's Dutch Buckley, renowned social commentator, or Leonard Licks Young Beaver, Native American spiritual leader and medicine man, or the Explicator's brilliant editor and publisher Christopher Huygens, "they get it straight every time." 

The Huygens Explicator is committed to giving the readers the in-depth analysis they deserve of the most pressing issues society faces today. We will not take the easy path of simplified rhetoric or hesitate to address the sensitive topics that may come up from time to time. As the standard bearer of excellent social, political, and ethical analysis The Huygens Explicator will bring a variety of views which provide deep and thoughtful insight on a wide range of concerns. We are glad to provide the reader with our vital services and hope everyone takes full advantage of this valuable resource. 

Give our friends at The Huygens Explicator a look see. Thank you, I am

sincerely,

DonJon Vonavich.
Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy

Corporations Seek Designation as Species

Chelsea Hotel (MP)- Not satisfied with being designated “persons” under the Fourteenth Amendment of the United States Constitution, a consortium of wealthy corporate citizens are aggressively petitioning the International Commission on Zoological Nomenclature (ICZN) to be designated their own species under the name Homo corporatus.

The Global Organization for the Designation of Specieshood, Inc., or GODS for short, has been concerned about the recent spate of corporate bashing and class warfare coming from the "lowest order of Homo sapiens" throughout the developed world. 

“It’s time for our taxonomic designation to change; we are not Sapiens,” stated Walmart “Sir Wally GX” G.E. ExxonMobil, Chairman and Chief Spokesperson for GODS. “Homo Corportus has a far greater intellect, are far more efficient procreators, and are at the top of the food chain. We can, and will, consume everything on the planet, and no other species can stop us, including our little Sapien cousins,” Sir Wally GX added firmly.    

The United States Supreme Court has shown significant deference to GODS petition of species designation for Homo corportus through numerous rulings, including the recent Citizens United decision. The decision turned over one hundred years of financial repression by Homo sapiens.

“The Jim Crow Inc. campaign finance regulations that Sapiens used to stop Homo corportus from speaking at the polls have ended,” declared Supreme Court Justice Clarence “Silent Minority” Thomas.  

Republican Nominee for President, Mitt “Insert Nickname Here” Romney, commented on GODS petition for corporate specieshood, “I stand corrected. Corporations are not people, they are a species unto themselves, my friend.”

The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has been rushing to update environmental regulations to protect the Homo corporatus habitat in the event the designation is approved. “There are numerous species that have endangered the habitat of Homo corporatus. One of the most egregious offenders is Strix occidentalis, commonly known as the Spotted Owl,” stated an EPA spokesperson. “That Owl is a real asshole.”

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