Win Free Books - Stupid Comment Contest

Hello MotP Readers:

Roger Turgid here, Editor at Very Large of Moloch the Plutocracy. If you haven’t noticed, my boss, DonJon Vonavich, Eccentric Publisher of this rag, is out of his mind... Literally. But as his editor he relies on me to report the news as he sees it (not as I see it, I’m just paid to edit this dumb-ass shit), and relay his wishes to you. DonJon has asked me to reach out to our readers to find those of like-mindlessness.

So, with the mission clearly stated and a strong commitment to a paycheck, I announce the first ever (in-mind drum roll):

Here’s how it works: Post your comment to any MotP article within 72 hours of the posting date and we will vote on the stupidest comment made. There are no limits to your stupidity (but, you already know that). The winner of each stupid post contest will receive a free trade-paperback book of their choice from the Molocratic Press catalog.

WRITE DUMB SHIT - WIN FREE BOOKS

DonJon Releases End-of-the-World Campaign Apologia... Ah, Book

NOTICE: THIS DOCUMENT HAS BEEN REDACTED BY HOMELAND SECURITY

For Immediate Release

Handled Messiahs Public Relations

Harry Martini, PRG

DonJon Releases End-of-the-World Campaign Apologia... Ah, Book

In an effort to persuade voters in the 2012 presidential election to support his 2012 End-of-the-World campaign, DonJonVonavich has release a compilation of his breath-taking oratory, cock-hardening political journalism, and award-seeking documentary graphics. The book, titled Moloch the Plutocracy ~or~ How the MoRevolution will sink the ship, break the bank, and fuck the trophy wife (or husband) of the 1%, is available both in black and white text and full-color graphic versions exclusively from The Molocratic Press.

Great Stuff Below the Fold

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DonJon is a Twit.  Join His-Twittiness on Twitter. Join me on Twitter » DonJon Vonavich @MoDonJon

Netanyahu Solicits Wile E. Coyote to Stop Iranian Nuclear Threat

Chelsea Hotel (MP)- Prime Minister Benjamin “Bebe Rebozo” Netanyahu of Israel introduced his latest genius plan to catch the elusively fast Iranian Nuclear Ahmadinejad, the Persian desert rat distantly related to Speedy Gonzales, "The Fastest Mouse in all Mexico." In a speech to the annual General Assembly, Mr. Netanyahu introduced Wile E. Coyote who unfurled a diagram from the Acme Corporation with the schematic of a bomb. Mr. Coyote smirked and pointed as the Israeli Prime Minister read the instructions provided by Acme to the leaders of the world.

It is uncertain why Mr. Netanyahu is determined to catch the nuclear rat, but he has purchased numerous contraptions from the Acme Corporation for that purpose. Early in the year Mr. Netanyahu deployed rocket-powered roller skates that ran away with him and couldn’t be stopped. This was after a failed attempt to stop Ahmadinejad with a giant Acme kite kit that included nitroglycerin and a detonator that blew him into a smoldering mess before crashing to the ground.

Middle East experts viewed the introduction of Mr. Coyote as a softening of his hard-line stance toward the Obama administration regarding Ahmadinejad. As a native of the American West, it is believed that Mr. Coyote was brought in to lobby the Obama administration to open the Acme catalog of Military Industrial Complex products to Mr. Netanyahu. Acme Corporation has been a major contributor to the Obama 2012 campaign.

DonJon Proposes Gluttony Policies Over Grim Austerity

Chelsea Hotel (MP)- In the wake of massive uprisings in Greece and Spain over austerity programs imposed by the IMF-Assfuckers and the World Bank of Take Your Little Smelly Brown Hands off My Shit, DonJon’s end-of-the-world presidential campaign has called for a full reversal of the repressive policies. In a statement released to Moloch the Plutocracy titled, The Time for Gluttony is Now, DonJon calls for all inhabitants of the planet to “engage in the same gluttonous,  rapacious, capricious, avaricious, voracious, depleticious, and venomously deleterious wanton consumption that the Plutocracy has enjoyed.”

“Mine is a policy for end-times,” claims DonJon “I call on the world citizenry to follow the successful actions of our Plutocratic friends and assure the end-of-the-world for all.”

The major party candidates were caught with their heads up their ass, literally, and without a response to DonJon’s bold policy initiative. The Romney campaign has made it clear that it supports the current policy of planetary destruction by those that are, “proven producers of plunder and devastation,” calling for plutocratic tax breaks to enable a more rapid demise. And the Obama campaign has continued to support the global banking cartel that funds the planetary destruction by those same plutocrats. But neither campaign has hinted at any inclusion of the entire species in the efforts to assure and hasten the end.

“I have to hand it to DonJon, he is out there on this one,” stated Chris “Drooling Loudmouth” Matthews. “He’s got a point, if we all do our part it will assure the scheduled December 21 end-times date.”

DonJon Vonavich is the Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy and the 2012 Presidential Nominee for the Molocratic Party. You can read more about his adventures in The KING of MO: An Autobiography of a Dream, and other publications from the Molocratic Press.

DonJon Proposes 100% Unemployment, Drubs Obama, Romney Job Loss Plans

Chelsea Hotel (MP)- The official unemployment rate has been stagnant at just over 8% for two years and the major party candidates have provided weak pablum rather than solutions on the campaign trail. But one candidate, DonJon Vonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy and Molocratic Party nominee for president, has presented a bold plan to improve the outlook. His plan calls for 100% unemployment by December 21, 2012, the official date of the end-of-the-world.

“Human life is not a cheap timeshare to be bought and sold by orange tinted plutocrats in gaudy golf ensembles,” DonJon declared. “At the end-of-the-world this whole economic charade will end and full, endless, and joyful unemployment will spread across our vast universe.”

The Republican nominee, Mitt “The Stench” Romney, supports a slow decline in the employment rate through redistribution of Human effort to low wage countries before the inhabitants of the planet submit to the full effects of economic decline. He claims this plan will provide time for the  plutocrats to transfer ownership of planetary resources from the public domain in order to carefully steward their destruction.

A supporter of the Romney end-times unemployment plan is the Grand Master of Doom, Chris “Hit the Nail on the Head” Hedges, “Our corporate oligarchs are harvesting the nation, grabbing as much as they can, as fast as they can, in the inevitable descent.”

President Obama’s plan is slightly less ambitious than the Romney plan, but he claims it will have a more reliable unemployment result. The President’s plan is to outsource the unemployment effort to the Federal Reserve through its member banks. By allowing the Fed to loan money at near zero interest to member banks, who in turn loan the money to the U.S. Treasury for a profit, the economy eventually will be reduced to rubble and the desired high unemployment rates achieved.

Both unemployment plans rely heavily on the cooperation of the corporate state to relentlessly pursue their self-interest on behalf of the inhabitants of the planet. Many Beltway pundits feel it may be difficult to maintain the intense commitment to profit required of them to follow through successfully.

“These plans require significant Human suffering, depletion of planetary resources, and a whole mass of wasted effort,” states DonJon, “Why not end it all now? Well, actually end it all on December 21, 2012.”

Clampett Airline to Install Hand Crank Windows in Romney Campaign Plane

DonJon Out Front on Planetary Demise Policy, Major Party Candidates Rush to Follow Suit

Chelsea Hotel (MP)- DonJon’s planetary demise policy outlined in the Molocratic Party platform has the major party candidates rushing to follow suit with their versions of the end-of-the-world. The single plank platform of the Molocratic Party declares December 21, 2012 the end-of-the-world. The party nominee, DonJon Vonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, has stated his agreement with his party and made the platform the driving theme of his end-of-the-world presidential campaign.

The Obama and Romney campaigns were caught flat footed on the issue and have both made efforts to show their support for the end-of-the-world. Romney has been the most vocal in his support of end times by offering a defiant stance on global warming,  “My view is that we don’t know what is causing climate change on this planet and the idea of spending trillions and trillions of dollars to try and reduce CO2 emissions is not the right course for us.” The Republican nominee added, “And I agree with DonJon, if it worked it could delay the end-of-the-world.”

Although the Democratic Platform declares climate change “one of the biggest threats of this generation,” the Obama campaign modified the party’s position by adding, “but, so what.” The President’s campaign is showing its support by ignoring the obvious signs of end times; record Arctic ice melt, record heat, unusual species migration, peak oil, and rising sea levels. “We think the best defense is a good half time show,” states David “Shakedown” Axelrod.

Alpha Bravo, DonJon’s campaign mis-manager, offered a statement, “We are on top of this end-of-the-world shit. Global warming, nuclear fallout, ocean acidification, economic meltdown, natural resource depletion, NFL replacement referees, transmutational space midgets... DonJon’s for it all.” Adding a challenge to the major party candidates, “My candidate stands ready to discuss the advancement of the end-times with those spineless buffoons anytime.”

DonJon EoW Campaign Considers Nuclear Option to Energize 47% Zombie Base

Chelsea Hotel (MP)- Political talking heads have long held that DonJon must maintain the 47% of Americans that will become zombies at the end-of-the-world if he is to win in November. Now that Mitt “Insert Nickname Here” Romney is aggressively pursuing the same 47% demographic with his well received Bridgehampton Beach video collection title, 1% Gone Wild, DonJon’s campaign is considering the nuclear option.

Alpha Bravo, mis-manager of the DonJon 2012 End-of-the-World presidential campaign, has been blamed for DonJon’s lagging poll numbers. DonJon’s approval ratings are down from 98.31% of those polled that say ‘who?’ and 8.31% that say “isn’t that the dude that fucked a lot of chicks?” to 96.654% and 6.4% respectively with a margin of error of 47%.

“I’ve told DonJon time and again, if we’re gonna bring out the zombie base the campaign is gonna have to use the nuclear option,” Alpha Bravo told Moloch the Plutocracy. “Come on, any idiot knows you gotta be dead to be a zombie. Referring to the December 21, 2012 end-times date, Bravo added, “At the end-of-the-world it’ll be too late for them to vote for DonJon. The time is now to Nuke ‘em!”

As America’s only end-of-the-world candidate DonJon’s campaign counted on the fact that those with genetic zombie leanings would naturally vote for him. “Ha! DonJon built his campaign around the expectation that future zombies were solidly in his camp,” offered Chris “Drooling Loudmouth” Matthews. “He conflated the zombies with the left-behind, I think that’s a miscalculation.”

In related presidential campaign news, Blackula announced his support of DonJon’s campaign, dropping his endorsement of President Barack “Hopie” Obama. In a public statement, Blackula said, “I don’t think race should be an issue at da end-of-da-world. I ain’t gonna sink my teeth into just any campaign cause da man’s a brotha.”

Professor Bimm Pens Disturbingly Dimwitted Review of The KING of MO

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - While the first episode of The KING of MO is enjoying five star reviews from fans across the globe, one review from Professor Bimm, doctor of delusion and neutered nemesis of DonJon, puzzles the literary media. Why would the renowned professor of the Harvard Technical School of Irascible Intransigence pen a dimly flickering single star review for DonJon?

Other than the obvious self-absorption of “the author,” Bimm’s review provides no references that would lead one to believe he actually read the work. Calling the epic a “treatise on why the author bears no responsibility to anyone except himself,” Bimm was clearly regurgitating bromides heard on Fox News.

“It confounds the mind and puzzles the will, and makes us rather bear these puny words, than fly off to grander ones that we know lots of,” states Hamilton Rosencrantz, Managing Editor of the Contrived BS Review. “Thus churlishness does make cowards of us all.”

Deep in the bowels of presidential politics DonJon was unavailable for comment. His literary agent provocateur, Lewis “Crystal Ball” Crystal responded to our entreaty, “DonJon is appalled at the lack of literary acerbity that went into this paltry one star review. He expects this from the illiterati, but never from the pseudo-intelligentsia.”

Read The KING of MO. Available at fine online stores everywhere.

Molocratic Party End-of-the-World Platform Released, DonJon Rejects Exclusion of Left-Behind

The Molocratic Party released the party platform approved at their national convention held at an undisclosed location somewhere in the ravaged hulk of the Chelsea Hotel. In a concise single plank, the Molocratic Party outlines their vision for a visionless future, declaring  December 21, 2012 the end-of-the-world and that their candidate, DonJon Vonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, knows it.

The Molocratic Party is America’s only multi-level-marketing political party. Party members are offered New World Order Distributorships that pay residual income on unlimited Patriot Down-lines up to thirteen Colonial Levels deep and can qualify for Brotherhood Recruiting Bonuses.

The platform includes an interesting history of the party dating back to its founding by Bubbie John Daniel, Old South aristocrat turned 60s redneck-hippie and pharmaceutical enthusiast, and self appointed arm-chairman of the Molocratic Party. Daniel, offered his full throated support of the platform, “This is the big one. The cash will be rolling in now.”

The party was embroiled in controversy over the disposition of the left-behind after the end-of-the-world. In a majority vote, party members refused to include them as a plank in their platform. But, after pressure for the DonJon2012! End-of-the-World campaign, they added an addendum to the platform that recognized their candidate’s position on the sensitive issue. Included was a direct quote from DonJon,  “At the end-of-the-world we will emancipate the Chelsea Hotel and designate it a safe-haven for the Left-Behind.”

DonJon’s long time residence, the infamous Chelsea Hotel, is under siege by The Chetrit Group, developers to Satan.

Read the full Molocratic Party Platform. It’s Good!

Losers, Parasites, and Ne’er-do-wells Cling to Romney Campaign

Lou Spumebucket at SCUM-PAC headquarters behind
Dregs Pub works to support the Romney campaign.

Chelsea Hotel (MP)- In a well-timed political maneuver, Romney for President, Inc. has strengthened its support with America’s losers, parasites, and ne’er-do-wells. The campaign released a spate of videos confirming Romney’s utter disgust with the 47% of citizens that are bloodsucking deadbeat genetic waste.

Responding to the recently released videos, Chairman of SCUM-PAC, Lou Spumebucket, offered an official response, “Finally a presidential candidate that understands us and will ignore and disdain us with the intensity we deserve.”

The statement was delivered to Moloch the Plutocracy by official SCUM-PAC courier written on a urine soaked discarded pizza box from their headquarters at the dumpster of Dregs Pub on West Robinwood Street in Detroit.

In a related event, The Knights of the Silver Spoon, confirm that Romney had been inducted into their order at birth and has “not pulled the sterling instrument from his ars since.”

Responding for the DonJon 2012! End-of-the-World campaign, a spokesman offered, “DonJon believes it’s outrageous that anyone thinks they will have a special dispensation when it’s all over.”

Dems Let Facts Get in the Way of a Good Time

Moloch the Plutocracy high society correspondent, Dutch Buckley, reports on the the goings on among the Noblesse Obligé, those beautiful billionaires that make life so worth living.

Dutch Buckley (Charlotte, NC) The Democratic National Convention concluded on Thursday night with an uninspired speech by President Barack Hussein Obama, but on Wednesday night, former President William Jefferson Clinton addressed the crowd with a speech the liberal media is calling a “masterful work of oratory.” I would hardly call a speech that was so dependent on facts a masterful work of anything but nitpicking.

I attended the convention with my dear friend Alastor Balberith, Chairman of the political action committee Patriots for American Families United for National Security and Freedom in Restoration of Faith. And I have to say without corporate sponsors the event isn’t half as jovial as the Republican convention. We watched the Clinton “speech” from a monitor in catering because we could take full advantage of the Pule cheese.

Clinton used his undeserved moment in the spotlight to spout fact after fact of how the Republicans, in particular vice Presidential candidate, Rep. Paul Ryan, had misrepresented the truth at their brilliant convention. What Democrats and Mr. Clinton fail to realize is politics in no way depends on facts to garner support from the American people. Politics is salesmanship plain and simple, and one would think a politician as experienced at rhetorical subterfuge as Clinton would understand this key concept.

On Tuesday night, Michelle Obama wowed the convention with what amounted to a self-congratulatory pat on the back as she touted the so-called “accomplishments” of her father and her husband, but like Clinton, Mrs. Obama failed to adequately spin a convincing sales pitch. Although the liberal media gave Mrs. Obama high grades for her boring display of egomania, former President Clinton was by far the favorite of the left wing punditry.

One of the reoccurring themes in Clinton’s speech was “shared prosperity and shared responsibility.” While it is easy to criticize this unrealistic notion by pointing out the fact that we will all share the responsibility of paying for President Obama’s out of control tax and spend presidency, and I still get a bad taste in my mouth saying “President Obama,” I will instead focus on the assault on the free market made by Bubba Clinton’s ideas of “shared prosperity.”

Any true American has capitalist blood running through his veins, and would have no problem comprehending the basic natural truth that there must always be winners and losers, and that competition is the single most important facet of any stable capitalist society. Clinton would like us all to believe that we are somehow better off in a society based on collectivism. How can any decent hardworking American believe that competing with his neighbor is somehow counterproductive to attaining true liberty and freedom? After all, our nation was made great by people trying to gain more material possessions than the guy next door. This is what makes America exceptional.

I could address the senile rantings of Joe Biden, or the ponderous ideological musings of Elizabeth Warren, but not one of these unbearable displays of socialist rhetoric, not even Obama’s thinly veiled promotion of Marxist doctrine came close to the recrementitious nitpickery of Bubba Clinton.

Mr. Balberith and I were fortunate enough to talk with distinguished journalist and FOX News contributor, Charles Krauthammer, and political mastermind, author, and FOX News contributor, Dick Morris, in catering as Clinton finished his speech. When asked if he had enjoyed any aspect of the convention, such as the Pule, Mr. Krauthammer replied that he was suffering from irritable bowel syndrome, so he could not try the cheese, and shared his disappointment with the lack of marketing in the convention. Dick Morris remarked, “The Republican convention is to Disneyworld what the Democratic convention is to Food Bank Day at the community center.”

On the last night of the convention, some security issues arose, and many convention attendees were locked out of the arena. While we were grateful the hoi polloi were barred from the event, we still found little to enjoy, as Obama sufficiently bored us with his bromidic elocution, and we could not have a drink, because the bar was closed early.

I hope the Democrats find a sufficient means of entertain in the next four years, so that I will have a reason to attend their convention, when they nominate President Romney’s opponent. 

It Was a Grand Old Party

Moloch the Plutocracy high society correspondent, Dutch Buckley, reports on the the goings on among the Noblesse Obligé, those beautiful billionaires that make life so worth living.

Dutch Buckley (Tampa, Fla.) - Even though Hurricane Isaac threatened the RNC, and Tampa was narrowly spared the expected devastation, the convention went off without a single problem and the Grand Old Party threw a grand old party indeed. 

While the name on everyone’s lips was Clinton Eastwood Jr., and deservedly so, one of my favorite moments was Mr. Eastwood’s gracious show of bipartisanship, when Clint gave Mr. Obama credit by saying, “You brought some troops home from Iraq, and that’s mighty white of you, but...“, there were many other masterful displays of political exceptionalism.

In one of the most underrated displays of political savvy Republican National Committee Chairman, Reince Priebus, strode on stage hand in hand with a chimpanzee dressed in a suit and tie with an Obama campaign button on the lapel. If this were not enough to excite the crowd during a commercial break, the giant screen onstage projected the image of the president’s face “photoshopped” onto an eggplant. The floor of the convention erupted into a loud and fervent chant of “No More Eggplant! No More Eggplant!” Although this scene developed off-air, it could be considered the most brilliantly devised exhibition of the convention, with the exception of Clinton Eastwood’s masterful work of course.


My seat for the events of the convention couldn’t have been better, as I hobnobbed with a “who’s who” of the conservative corporate elite in the skyboxes looking down upon the convention floor. In a chat with Urban Outfitters President and CEO, Richard Hayne, on the last night of the convention, he disclosed his latest “I’m A F’cking Zombie” tee shirts and sweatshirts were selling so well that he’s thinking of starting an “I’m A Moronic Consumer” line of merchandise. 

Palm Beach Billionaire, Wilbur Ross, joined us for a moment and shared his insight that Mons Venus was by far the best strip club in town. Mr. Ross looked out of the skybox over the crowd on the convention floor as they cheered Mitt and Paul and remarked, “The corn fed cattle will buy a hair off of my ass if it’s marketed well enough.”  We toasted to the amazing success of the convention with a Russo-Baltique appletini and laughed once more at gleeful thoughts of the entertaining week.


I seriously doubt my trip to the Democratic National Convention this week will be as entertaining and clever as the political escapades of this week, but one thing is for sure. The food will be much better.

Reince Priebus, Chairman of the Republican National
Committee, introduces President Chimpanzee Obama
to the floor of delegates roaring in laughter.