It Was a Grand Old Party

Moloch the Plutocracy high society correspondent, Dutch Buckley, reports on the the goings on among the Noblesse Obligé, those beautiful billionaires that make life so worth living.

Dutch Buckley (Tampa, Fla.) - Even though Hurricane Isaac threatened the RNC, and Tampa was narrowly spared the expected devastation, the convention went off without a single problem and the Grand Old Party threw a grand old party indeed. 

While the name on everyone’s lips was Clinton Eastwood Jr., and deservedly so, one of my favorite moments was Mr. Eastwood’s gracious show of bipartisanship, when Clint gave Mr. Obama credit by saying, “You brought some troops home from Iraq, and that’s mighty white of you, but...“, there were many other masterful displays of political exceptionalism.

In one of the most underrated displays of political savvy Republican National Committee Chairman, Reince Priebus, strode on stage hand in hand with a chimpanzee dressed in a suit and tie with an Obama campaign button on the lapel. If this were not enough to excite the crowd during a commercial break, the giant screen onstage projected the image of the president’s face “photoshopped” onto an eggplant. The floor of the convention erupted into a loud and fervent chant of “No More Eggplant! No More Eggplant!” Although this scene developed off-air, it could be considered the most brilliantly devised exhibition of the convention, with the exception of Clinton Eastwood’s masterful work of course.


My seat for the events of the convention couldn’t have been better, as I hobnobbed with a “who’s who” of the conservative corporate elite in the skyboxes looking down upon the convention floor. In a chat with Urban Outfitters President and CEO, Richard Hayne, on the last night of the convention, he disclosed his latest “I’m A F’cking Zombie” tee shirts and sweatshirts were selling so well that he’s thinking of starting an “I’m A Moronic Consumer” line of merchandise. 

Palm Beach Billionaire, Wilbur Ross, joined us for a moment and shared his insight that Mons Venus was by far the best strip club in town. Mr. Ross looked out of the skybox over the crowd on the convention floor as they cheered Mitt and Paul and remarked, “The corn fed cattle will buy a hair off of my ass if it’s marketed well enough.”  We toasted to the amazing success of the convention with a Russo-Baltique appletini and laughed once more at gleeful thoughts of the entertaining week.


I seriously doubt my trip to the Democratic National Convention this week will be as entertaining and clever as the political escapades of this week, but one thing is for sure. The food will be much better.

Reince Priebus, Chairman of the Republican National
Committee, introduces President Chimpanzee Obama
to the floor of delegates roaring in laughter.