DonJon Proposes 100% Unemployment, Drubs Obama, Romney Job Loss Plans

Chelsea Hotel (MP)- The official unemployment rate has been stagnant at just over 8% for two years and the major party candidates have provided weak pablum rather than solutions on the campaign trail. But one candidate, DonJon Vonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy and Molocratic Party nominee for president, has presented a bold plan to improve the outlook. His plan calls for 100% unemployment by December 21, 2012, the official date of the end-of-the-world.

“Human life is not a cheap timeshare to be bought and sold by orange tinted plutocrats in gaudy golf ensembles,” DonJon declared. “At the end-of-the-world this whole economic charade will end and full, endless, and joyful unemployment will spread across our vast universe.”

The Republican nominee, Mitt “The Stench” Romney, supports a slow decline in the employment rate through redistribution of Human effort to low wage countries before the inhabitants of the planet submit to the full effects of economic decline. He claims this plan will provide time for the  plutocrats to transfer ownership of planetary resources from the public domain in order to carefully steward their destruction.

A supporter of the Romney end-times unemployment plan is the Grand Master of Doom, Chris “Hit the Nail on the Head” Hedges, “Our corporate oligarchs are harvesting the nation, grabbing as much as they can, as fast as they can, in the inevitable descent.”

President Obama’s plan is slightly less ambitious than the Romney plan, but he claims it will have a more reliable unemployment result. The President’s plan is to outsource the unemployment effort to the Federal Reserve through its member banks. By allowing the Fed to loan money at near zero interest to member banks, who in turn loan the money to the U.S. Treasury for a profit, the economy eventually will be reduced to rubble and the desired high unemployment rates achieved.

Both unemployment plans rely heavily on the cooperation of the corporate state to relentlessly pursue their self-interest on behalf of the inhabitants of the planet. Many Beltway pundits feel it may be difficult to maintain the intense commitment to profit required of them to follow through successfully.

“These plans require significant Human suffering, depletion of planetary resources, and a whole mass of wasted effort,” states DonJon, “Why not end it all now? Well, actually end it all on December 21, 2012.”