Too Large to Fail Banks Acquire Too Small to Save Homeowners

"The banks manipulated the so called free market with their out-weighted influence in the mortgage industry and American Homeowners are paying the price in foreclosed homes, lost jobs, and devastated families,"  DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - In response to the mortgage foreclosure crisis the Too Large to Fail Banking Syndicate, commonly referred to as the FailSafe, has confirmed they will no longer put families out of their homes.  The new foreclosure procedure announced by the syndicate allows home owners to stay in their homes as indentured servants to the mortgage holder.  

Goldman Sachs O'Money, Bank of We Own America, JPMorgan Chase If You Want It Back, and Merrill Lynch Anyone That Tries makes up the FailSafe Syndicate developing the Indentured Families Fund that will hold the assets.  "The Indentured Families Fund is a win win for both homeowners and banks, families stay in their homes and the banks acquire added security in the form of Human assets," stated Jamie "TopGun" Dimon, CEO and chairman of JPMorgan Chase If You Want It Back.

The failure to properly document many mortgages during the Housing Inflation Program, commonly referred to as the housing bubble, has informed the FailSafe to take precautions documenting the acquisition of their new human assets.  "We are looking to our colonial forebears for our legal precedent." claims Dimon, "indentured servitude is a proven pathway to the American dream, we are proud to help these families once again."  The families will be required to serve the FailSafe Syndicate in maintaining the vast residential holdings that make up their Plutocratic Land Patent.  It is estimated that the FailSafe Syndicate controls nearly 60% of all residential property via their mortgage holdings. 

The FailSafe was responsible for the inflation in home prices resulting in the rash of homeowner defaults by approving mortgages of any individual that told sufficient lies to support the loan request.  Dimon explains, "the free market can assess the truth and value it, we saw no need to ask prying questions such as income verification."  

One of the most aggressive mortgage vehicles was the Crackhead Liars Loan, "we found a very profitable market in crackheads," claims Dimon, "they were the most convincing liars, repeat borrowers, and take any amount we approved on their homes."  It is unsure how the FailSafe will handle tweaking crackheads within the Indentured Homeowners Fund.

Wall Street Investment Banking firm Goldman Sachs O'Money has announced plans to create Indentured Servant Backed Securities.  Goldman CEO and Grand Master of the Multiverse, Lloyd "BlankCheck" Blankfein, confirmed, "We will parse the assets into various baskets of indentured servants depending on skills and ability and sell them to the same unwitting buyers of our mortgage securities."  

 

Asked for comment, DonJon, Eccentric Publisher of this pamphlet stated, "The banks manipulated the so called free market with their out-weighted influence in the mortgage industry and American Homeowners are paying the price in foreclosed homes, lost jobs, and devastated families."

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Alternet: http://www.alternet.org/economy/148520/foreclosure_fraud:_wall_street_cheats_the_middle_class_again/