DonJon EoW Campaign Considers Nuclear Option to Energize 47% Zombie Base

Chelsea Hotel (MP)- Political talking heads have long held that DonJon must maintain the 47% of Americans that will become zombies at the end-of-the-world if he is to win in November. Now that Mitt “Insert Nickname Here” Romney is aggressively pursuing the same 47% demographic with his well received Bridgehampton Beach video collection title, 1% Gone Wild, DonJon’s campaign is considering the nuclear option.

Alpha Bravo, mis-manager of the DonJon 2012 End-of-the-World presidential campaign, has been blamed for DonJon’s lagging poll numbers. DonJon’s approval ratings are down from 98.31% of those polled that say ‘who?’ and 8.31% that say “isn’t that the dude that fucked a lot of chicks?” to 96.654% and 6.4% respectively with a margin of error of 47%.

“I’ve told DonJon time and again, if we’re gonna bring out the zombie base the campaign is gonna have to use the nuclear option,” Alpha Bravo told Moloch the Plutocracy. “Come on, any idiot knows you gotta be dead to be a zombie. Referring to the December 21, 2012 end-times date, Bravo added, “At the end-of-the-world it’ll be too late for them to vote for DonJon. The time is now to Nuke ‘em!”

As America’s only end-of-the-world candidate DonJon’s campaign counted on the fact that those with genetic zombie leanings would naturally vote for him. “Ha! DonJon built his campaign around the expectation that future zombies were solidly in his camp,” offered Chris “Drooling Loudmouth” Matthews. “He conflated the zombies with the left-behind, I think that’s a miscalculation.”

In related presidential campaign news, Blackula announced his support of DonJon’s campaign, dropping his endorsement of President Barack “Hopie” Obama. In a public statement, Blackula said, “I don’t think race should be an issue at da end-of-da-world. I ain’t gonna sink my teeth into just any campaign cause da man’s a brotha.”

Professor Bimm Pens Disturbingly Dimwitted Review of The KING of MO

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - While the first episode of The KING of MO is enjoying five star reviews from fans across the globe, one review from Professor Bimm, doctor of delusion and neutered nemesis of DonJon, puzzles the literary media. Why would the renowned professor of the Harvard Technical School of Irascible Intransigence pen a dimly flickering single star review for DonJon?

Other than the obvious self-absorption of “the author,” Bimm’s review provides no references that would lead one to believe he actually read the work. Calling the epic a “treatise on why the author bears no responsibility to anyone except himself,” Bimm was clearly regurgitating bromides heard on Fox News.

“It confounds the mind and puzzles the will, and makes us rather bear these puny words, than fly off to grander ones that we know lots of,” states Hamilton Rosencrantz, Managing Editor of the Contrived BS Review. “Thus churlishness does make cowards of us all.”

Deep in the bowels of presidential politics DonJon was unavailable for comment. His literary agent provocateur, Lewis “Crystal Ball” Crystal responded to our entreaty, “DonJon is appalled at the lack of literary acerbity that went into this paltry one star review. He expects this from the illiterati, but never from the pseudo-intelligentsia.”

Read The KING of MO. Available at fine online stores everywhere.

Molocratic Party End-of-the-World Platform Released, DonJon Rejects Exclusion of Left-Behind

The Molocratic Party released the party platform approved at their national convention held at an undisclosed location somewhere in the ravaged hulk of the Chelsea Hotel. In a concise single plank, the Molocratic Party outlines their vision for a visionless future, declaring  December 21, 2012 the end-of-the-world and that their candidate, DonJon Vonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, knows it.

The Molocratic Party is America’s only multi-level-marketing political party. Party members are offered New World Order Distributorships that pay residual income on unlimited Patriot Down-lines up to thirteen Colonial Levels deep and can qualify for Brotherhood Recruiting Bonuses.

The platform includes an interesting history of the party dating back to its founding by Bubbie John Daniel, Old South aristocrat turned 60s redneck-hippie and pharmaceutical enthusiast, and self appointed arm-chairman of the Molocratic Party. Daniel, offered his full throated support of the platform, “This is the big one. The cash will be rolling in now.”

The party was embroiled in controversy over the disposition of the left-behind after the end-of-the-world. In a majority vote, party members refused to include them as a plank in their platform. But, after pressure for the DonJon2012! End-of-the-World campaign, they added an addendum to the platform that recognized their candidate’s position on the sensitive issue. Included was a direct quote from DonJon,  “At the end-of-the-world we will emancipate the Chelsea Hotel and designate it a safe-haven for the Left-Behind.”

DonJon’s long time residence, the infamous Chelsea Hotel, is under siege by The Chetrit Group, developers to Satan.

Read the full Molocratic Party Platform. It’s Good!

Losers, Parasites, and Ne’er-do-wells Cling to Romney Campaign

Lou Spumebucket at SCUM-PAC headquarters behind
Dregs Pub works to support the Romney campaign.

Chelsea Hotel (MP)- In a well-timed political maneuver, Romney for President, Inc. has strengthened its support with America’s losers, parasites, and ne’er-do-wells. The campaign released a spate of videos confirming Romney’s utter disgust with the 47% of citizens that are bloodsucking deadbeat genetic waste.

Responding to the recently released videos, Chairman of SCUM-PAC, Lou Spumebucket, offered an official response, “Finally a presidential candidate that understands us and will ignore and disdain us with the intensity we deserve.”

The statement was delivered to Moloch the Plutocracy by official SCUM-PAC courier written on a urine soaked discarded pizza box from their headquarters at the dumpster of Dregs Pub on West Robinwood Street in Detroit.

In a related event, The Knights of the Silver Spoon, confirm that Romney had been inducted into their order at birth and has “not pulled the sterling instrument from his ars since.”

Responding for the DonJon 2012! End-of-the-World campaign, a spokesman offered, “DonJon believes it’s outrageous that anyone thinks they will have a special dispensation when it’s all over.”

Dems Let Facts Get in the Way of a Good Time

Moloch the Plutocracy high society correspondent, Dutch Buckley, reports on the the goings on among the Noblesse Obligé, those beautiful billionaires that make life so worth living.

Dutch Buckley (Charlotte, NC) The Democratic National Convention concluded on Thursday night with an uninspired speech by President Barack Hussein Obama, but on Wednesday night, former President William Jefferson Clinton addressed the crowd with a speech the liberal media is calling a “masterful work of oratory.” I would hardly call a speech that was so dependent on facts a masterful work of anything but nitpicking.

I attended the convention with my dear friend Alastor Balberith, Chairman of the political action committee Patriots for American Families United for National Security and Freedom in Restoration of Faith. And I have to say without corporate sponsors the event isn’t half as jovial as the Republican convention. We watched the Clinton “speech” from a monitor in catering because we could take full advantage of the Pule cheese.

Clinton used his undeserved moment in the spotlight to spout fact after fact of how the Republicans, in particular vice Presidential candidate, Rep. Paul Ryan, had misrepresented the truth at their brilliant convention. What Democrats and Mr. Clinton fail to realize is politics in no way depends on facts to garner support from the American people. Politics is salesmanship plain and simple, and one would think a politician as experienced at rhetorical subterfuge as Clinton would understand this key concept.

On Tuesday night, Michelle Obama wowed the convention with what amounted to a self-congratulatory pat on the back as she touted the so-called “accomplishments” of her father and her husband, but like Clinton, Mrs. Obama failed to adequately spin a convincing sales pitch. Although the liberal media gave Mrs. Obama high grades for her boring display of egomania, former President Clinton was by far the favorite of the left wing punditry.

One of the reoccurring themes in Clinton’s speech was “shared prosperity and shared responsibility.” While it is easy to criticize this unrealistic notion by pointing out the fact that we will all share the responsibility of paying for President Obama’s out of control tax and spend presidency, and I still get a bad taste in my mouth saying “President Obama,” I will instead focus on the assault on the free market made by Bubba Clinton’s ideas of “shared prosperity.”

Any true American has capitalist blood running through his veins, and would have no problem comprehending the basic natural truth that there must always be winners and losers, and that competition is the single most important facet of any stable capitalist society. Clinton would like us all to believe that we are somehow better off in a society based on collectivism. How can any decent hardworking American believe that competing with his neighbor is somehow counterproductive to attaining true liberty and freedom? After all, our nation was made great by people trying to gain more material possessions than the guy next door. This is what makes America exceptional.

I could address the senile rantings of Joe Biden, or the ponderous ideological musings of Elizabeth Warren, but not one of these unbearable displays of socialist rhetoric, not even Obama’s thinly veiled promotion of Marxist doctrine came close to the recrementitious nitpickery of Bubba Clinton.

Mr. Balberith and I were fortunate enough to talk with distinguished journalist and FOX News contributor, Charles Krauthammer, and political mastermind, author, and FOX News contributor, Dick Morris, in catering as Clinton finished his speech. When asked if he had enjoyed any aspect of the convention, such as the Pule, Mr. Krauthammer replied that he was suffering from irritable bowel syndrome, so he could not try the cheese, and shared his disappointment with the lack of marketing in the convention. Dick Morris remarked, “The Republican convention is to Disneyworld what the Democratic convention is to Food Bank Day at the community center.”

On the last night of the convention, some security issues arose, and many convention attendees were locked out of the arena. While we were grateful the hoi polloi were barred from the event, we still found little to enjoy, as Obama sufficiently bored us with his bromidic elocution, and we could not have a drink, because the bar was closed early.

I hope the Democrats find a sufficient means of entertain in the next four years, so that I will have a reason to attend their convention, when they nominate President Romney’s opponent. 

It Was a Grand Old Party

Moloch the Plutocracy high society correspondent, Dutch Buckley, reports on the the goings on among the Noblesse Obligé, those beautiful billionaires that make life so worth living.

Dutch Buckley (Tampa, Fla.) - Even though Hurricane Isaac threatened the RNC, and Tampa was narrowly spared the expected devastation, the convention went off without a single problem and the Grand Old Party threw a grand old party indeed. 

While the name on everyone’s lips was Clinton Eastwood Jr., and deservedly so, one of my favorite moments was Mr. Eastwood’s gracious show of bipartisanship, when Clint gave Mr. Obama credit by saying, “You brought some troops home from Iraq, and that’s mighty white of you, but...“, there were many other masterful displays of political exceptionalism.

In one of the most underrated displays of political savvy Republican National Committee Chairman, Reince Priebus, strode on stage hand in hand with a chimpanzee dressed in a suit and tie with an Obama campaign button on the lapel. If this were not enough to excite the crowd during a commercial break, the giant screen onstage projected the image of the president’s face “photoshopped” onto an eggplant. The floor of the convention erupted into a loud and fervent chant of “No More Eggplant! No More Eggplant!” Although this scene developed off-air, it could be considered the most brilliantly devised exhibition of the convention, with the exception of Clinton Eastwood’s masterful work of course.


My seat for the events of the convention couldn’t have been better, as I hobnobbed with a “who’s who” of the conservative corporate elite in the skyboxes looking down upon the convention floor. In a chat with Urban Outfitters President and CEO, Richard Hayne, on the last night of the convention, he disclosed his latest “I’m A F’cking Zombie” tee shirts and sweatshirts were selling so well that he’s thinking of starting an “I’m A Moronic Consumer” line of merchandise. 

Palm Beach Billionaire, Wilbur Ross, joined us for a moment and shared his insight that Mons Venus was by far the best strip club in town. Mr. Ross looked out of the skybox over the crowd on the convention floor as they cheered Mitt and Paul and remarked, “The corn fed cattle will buy a hair off of my ass if it’s marketed well enough.”  We toasted to the amazing success of the convention with a Russo-Baltique appletini and laughed once more at gleeful thoughts of the entertaining week.


I seriously doubt my trip to the Democratic National Convention this week will be as entertaining and clever as the political escapades of this week, but one thing is for sure. The food will be much better.

Reince Priebus, Chairman of the Republican National
Committee, introduces President Chimpanzee Obama
to the floor of delegates roaring in laughter.

DonJon Makes 2012 Presidential Run Official in Drunken Announcement

"It’s the end of the world, DonJon knows it."  DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - Stammering and slurring on the main stage of MoCarnival 2012, DonJon made his run for the office of President of the United States of America official. The speech, titled DonJon’s Fifteen Minutes of Fame, was read from a make shift teleprompter held by his Campaign Mismanager Alpha Bravo, famed Dalmatian Ninja.

Critics have panned the speech as a “mendacious malady of incoherent bile delivered by a rambling and delusional drunkard seeking withheld maternal adoration from a bored and confused audience.”

Full text of the announcement speech below the fold.

GOP Revives Reagan Morning in America Theme with Honky Twist

"It’s the end of the world, Donjon knows it. And all chocolate is going down with it."  DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - The Romney campaign announced that it will be reviving Ronald Reagan’s famous 1984 campaign theme, “Morning in America.” With the addition of Paul “Ayn” Ryan to the republican ticket the campaign is attempting to solidify it’s conservative base. The new variation on the tried and true theme, “Morning in Honky Town,” is certain to excite Reagan ‘sycop-fans.’

Moloch the Plutocracy's Senior Conservative Reporter, Billy Jim Bob Whitehead, caught up with Vice Presidential hopeful Paul Ryan at the Romney/Ryan campaign headquarters by the ‘White Only’ water cooler.

Billy Jim Bob: “Who are you speaking to with the new campaign message?”

Ryan: “Clearly we feel that America’s best days are behind us. But, not for long. Americans remember the 1950’s when everyone prospered.” The candidate said putting his Confederate Flag Dixie cup under the spout for some cool clear water.

Billy Jim Bob: “So you feel this message speaks to all Americans?”

Ryan: “Of course it does. America is a great melting pot, and our campaign is willing to the hard work of melting it down into a consistently sweet and rich white chocolate. What patriot doesn’t like white chocolate?”

Billy Jim Bob: “What about nuts? I’ve never seen a white chocolate bar with nuts.”

Ryan: “This is true, Billy Jim Bob, nuts are only in milk or dart chocolate.”

Billy Jim Bob: “What is the campaigns stance on milk chocolate?”

Ryan: “As you know Billy Jim Bob, God considers milk chocolate an abomination, especially with nuts.”

Billy Jim Bob: “Dark chocolate has always been a difficult sell in American. What is the campaigns stance on the advancement of dark chocolate?”

Ryan: “Big Government has been subsidizing the dark chocolate industry for a long time at the expense of the budget for white chocolate. Mitt Romney stands by the Mormon values he learned as a child, both dark chocolate and milk chocolate were cursed until 1978 when the LDS church declared that God had removed the curse. Apparently God got himself a little taste of the dark stuff.”

Billy Jim Bob: “Congressman Ryan, that’s all the time we have today. Thank you and we will be following you on the campaign trail.”

Ryan: “You are welcome, anytime.”

Billy Jim Bob: “... Oh, can you direct me to the white bathroom?”

The Bohemian underground is awash with rumors that DonJon Vonavich, Eccentric Editor of Moloch the Plutocracy, will announce his bid for President of the United States at MoCarnival on August 19th. When contacted for comment on what chocolate he prefers, he offered, “It’s the end of the world, Donjon knows it. And all chocolate is going down with it.”

Romney Running Mate Measured for Magic Underpants

"It’s the end of the world, DonJon knows it. And I go commando."  DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - Within twenty-four hours of being selected as Mitt “Instert Nickname Here” Romney’s Vice Presidential running mate Paul “Eddie Munster” Ryan was measured for his Mormon Magic Underpants. The temple garments are worn by adherents to the Church of Latter Day Saints to protect them from the evils of the world and liberals.

Although non-Mormons are not typically allowed to wear the garment, church elders have made an exception for Ryan. “The magic nipple twisting ball binders must make it to the White House,” a senior elder exclaimed. “Ryan is a tightie-whitie man, so it’ll take some getting used to for him.”

Not since Nancy Reagan insisted her husband wear pantyhose emblazoned with the Signs of the Zodiac under his suit pants has a President relied on the magic of undergarments to perform their duties. The shame street media has been negligent in demanding that Obama produce a pair of his underwear to prove his garment persuasion. Birther Queen, Orly “Give it Up Bitch” Taitz, has suggested that Obama wears sambazas, the second hand underwear worm by Kenyan men.

The Bohemian underground is awash with rumors that DonJon Vonavich, Eccentric Editor of Moloch the Plutocracy, will announce his bid for President of the United States at MoCarnival on August 19th. When contacted for comment on what magic may swell from his underpants, he offered, “It’s the end of the world, Donjon knows it. And I go commando.”


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnVOK42o4E0

Romney Running Mate Measured for Magic Underpants

"It’s the end of the world, DonJon knows it. And I go commando."  DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - Within twenty-four hours of being selected as Mitt “Instert Nickname Here” Romney’s Vice Presidential running mate Paul Ryan was measured for his Mormon Magic Underpants. The temple garments are worn by adherents to the Church of Latter Day Saints to protect them from the evils of the world and liberals.

Although non-Mormons are not typically allowed to wear the garment, church elders have made an exception for Ryan. “The magic nipple twisting ball binders must make it to the White House,” a senior elder exclaimed. “Ryan is a tightie-whitie man, so it will take some getting used to for him.”

Not since Nancy Reagan insisted her husband wear pantyhose emblazoned with the Signs of the Zodiac under his suit pants has a President relied on the magic of undergarments to perform their duties. The shame street media has been negligent in demanding that Obama produce a pair  of his underwear to prove his garment persuasion. Birther Queen, Orly “Give it Up Bitch” Taitz, has suggested that Obama wears sambazas, the second hand underwear worm by Kenyan men.

The Bohemian underground is awash with rumors that DonJon Vonavich, Eccentric Editor of Moloch the Plutocracy, will announce his bid for President of the United States at MoCarnival on August 19th. When contacted for comment on what magic may swell from his underpants, he offered, “It’s the end of the world, Donjon knows it. And I go commando.”

PEE-Pac Dumps Trump in Favor of DonJon Probable Candidacy

"It’s the end of the world, DonJon knows it. "  DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - An influential political action committee has lined up in support of the probable 2012 presidential candidacy of DonJon Vonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy. The Bohemian underground is awash with rumors that DonJon will announce his bid for President of the United States at MoCarnival on August 19th. 

Patriots for Early Extinction: Political Action Committee, commonly known as PEE-Pac, announced that it was pulling it’s 2012 presidential endorsement of Donald “Where’s Your Stool Sample?” Turmp in favor of DonJon. 

“You’re Fired, Super Swooper!” a spokesperson for PEE-Pac declared. He added, “Trump Enterprises has been a major promoter of PEE-Pacs commitment to early extinction, but DonJon’s sweeping vision of a future-less America punches our political hot button.”


PEE-Pac has come under fire from conservatives recently for it’s advertising campaign acknowledging the existence of global warming. The campaign’s controversial theme declares, Global Warming is No Hoax —But So What! Global warming promoters have long believed that public acknowledgement of man made climate change could slow the End-Times process.


DonJon continues to refuse to confirm his intentions, stating, “It’s the end of the world, DonJon knows it.”

Rumors Fly DonJon to Announce Candidacy at MoCarnival

"It’s the end of the world, DonJon knows it. "  DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - The Bohemian underground is awash with rumors that DonJon Vonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, will announce his bid for President of the United States at MoCarnival 2012 on August 19th. DonJon was nominated the 2008 presidential candidate on the Molocratic Party ticket at their convention in Black Rock City. He refused the nomination.

“We have been courting him since Lynette ‘Squeaky’ Fromme withdrew from consideration,” states Bubbie John Daniel, Arm Chairman of the Molocratic National Committee. The Molocratic Party is America’s only Multi-Level-Marketing Political Party. Members are offered New World Order Distributorships that pay residual income on Unlimited Patriot Down-lines up to 13 Colonial Levels deep, and can qualify for Brotherhood Recruiting Bonuses.

The Molocratic Party National Convention is being held this year in Black Rock City during the 2012 Burning Man Festival at the Motropolis official camp.

DonJon is refusing to confirm his intentions, stating, “It’s the end of the world, DonJon knows it.”

You Want More DonJon? 

Read The KING of MO: An Autobiography of a Dream

Episode One: Prelude to a Dream - Now Available on Amazon Kindle

Coming in Trade Paper Back Soon

Limited Edition 2008 Draft DonJon Signed Poster 

Available at MoCarnival 2012

The Butterfly Bar

Sunday, August 19th

3pm - Midnight

DonJon Missing Moloch the Plutocracy on Hiatus

NOTICE: THIS DOCUMENT HAS BEEN REDACTED BY HOMELAND SECURITY

For Immediate Release

Handled Messiahs Public Relations

Harry Martini, PRG

DonJon Missing Moloch the Plutocracy on Hiatus

DonJon has been missing and the Moloch the Plutocracy has no leads on his where abouts. The political pamphlet will be on hiatus until he returns. It is suspected that he is working on the second episode of The KING of MO: An Autobiography of a Dream. Episode One: Prelude to a Dream is currently available exclusively on Amazon Kindle Prime for $0.99 and a trade paperback is in development.

The KING of MO: An Autobiography of a Dream was published by the Molocratic Press. The story is set in the infamous Chelsea Hotel beginning in 2000 where DonJon, our favorite self-indulgent, dream-addicted Bohemian, finds his way into the Multiverse and discovers the truth behind the power pulling the strings on Earth. Meanwhile, Kyle 123456, a bankrupt social-climbing plutocrat, struggles as his new poverty-imposed Bohemian life overwhelms his aristocratic past. After DonJon encounters Kyle's dreams in a parallel dimension of the Multiverse, the duo teams up to overthrow G.R.E.E.D., a powerful consortium of long dead emperors, kings, feudal lords, dictators, robber barons, politicos, and cronies that control Humanity, including   ------ -- - - - - - - -  --- - -- - - - - - - - - -- - - ----- - - --- - - - --- --- - - -- - --   -------- - - - - - - - - - - - - --- - - -- -- ----- -----------.

DonJon describes the book as “an episodic dreamographical novel.” explaining, “unlike a typical novel, the events are entirely 100% factual and took place in one of the many parallel dimensions we inhabit.”   Furthur claiming, “it’s the greatest Homeric epic ever written... that is a fact, Homer himself collaborated on it.” Other collaborators on the episodic novel are The Merry Molochsters, DonJon’s loosely disorganized group of friends, benefactors, and lovers, Max Penmark, Editor Extraordinaire, and Jace Toronto, Editor Perfectionaire.

The first to submit a critical review was Roger Turgid, Editor at XXXLarge of Moloch the Plutocracy, "DonJon is a deluded idiot... He should have kept his skinny ass out of the Multiverse and let Kyle continue to pursue his dream of being a capitalist champion.” Turgid qualified his review by adding, “In the interest of full disclosure, DonJon is my boss."

DonJon claims all six episodes of The KING of MO will be published by election day 2012, adding, “it’s the end of the World and I have a lot to finish before I’m finished.”

DonJonVonavich HRH KING of MO - Curriculum Vitae Absurdum

The KING of MO: An Autobiography of a Dream (Episode One - Prelude to a Dream)

Send all Press Inquiries to:

Handled Messiahs Public Relations

Harry Martini, PRG

modonjon@gmail.com

405.466.5624

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(12,388 painstakingly elaborated words)