A 2020 Political Roadmap for Progressives

By Kyle.

Rumors Fly DonJon to Announce Candidacy at MoCarnival

"It’s the end of the world, DonJon knows it. "  DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - The Bohemian underground is awash with rumors that DonJon Vonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, will announce his bid for President of the United States at MoCarnival 2012 on August 19th. DonJon was nominated the 2008 presidential candidate on the Molocratic Party ticket at their convention in Black Rock City. He refused the nomination.

“We have been courting him since Lynette ‘Squeaky’ Fromme withdrew from consideration,” states Bubbie John Daniel, Arm Chairman of the Molocratic National Committee. The Molocratic Party is America’s only Multi-Level-Marketing Political Party. Members are offered New World Order Distributorships that pay residual income on Unlimited Patriot Down-lines up to 13 Colonial Levels deep, and can qualify for Brotherhood Recruiting Bonuses.

The Molocratic Party National Convention is being held this year in Black Rock City during the 2012 Burning Man Festival at the Motropolis official camp.

DonJon is refusing to confirm his intentions, stating, “It’s the end of the world, DonJon knows it.”

You Want More DonJon? 

Read The KING of MO: An Autobiography of a Dream

Episode One: Prelude to a Dream - Now Available on Amazon Kindle

Coming in Trade Paper Back Soon

Limited Edition 2008 Draft DonJon Signed Poster 

Available at MoCarnival 2012

The Butterfly Bar

Sunday, August 19th

3pm - Midnight

Churlish Captain Capitalism Saves Miners in Mere 69 Days

"The Churlish Captain Capitalism has lost his mind if he thinks this human disaster is a victory for Capitalism. These miners were working a dangerous job at low wages to make assholes like him rich.  It is the typical capitalist story of wage slavery."  DonJon.

(READER NOTE: This article is in response to an opinion post in the Wall Street Journal titled, Capitalism Saved Miners, by Daniel Henninger)


Chelsea Hotel (MP) - The Churlish Captain Capitalism & Executive Sidekick, Dale the Driller, saved the Chilean miners using their free-market super hero tools.  "It needs to be said," stated The Captain, "The rescue is a smashing victory for free-market capitalism and myself.  It may seem churlish of me, but then again, I am the Churlish Captain Capitalism."  


Thirty three miners working in the San Jose mine owned by Compania Minera San Esteban were rescued after 69 days.  The timing corresponded with the quarterly reporting for the company, "We felt it would improve stockholder return to have our human resources out by the end of the quarter," stated a spokesperson for the corporation, adding, "The market doesn't respond well to dead miners."


The Churlish Captain Capitalism, sporting his double Center Cock drill heads, used for down-the-hole hammer drilling, was able to penetrate the miners enclosed space.  "The Chilean miners have never experienced down-the-hole hammer drilling the Capitalist way," declared the Captain.



Stating that capitalism is the hero in the saga of the Chilean miners, the Captain offered, "The Capitalist exploitation = shareholder profit = innovation dynamic was everywhere at that Chilean mine.  The mine owners have already secured licensing rights to the folk songs they wrote while waiting to die."


Dale the Driller, Executive Sidekick to the Churlish Captain Capitalism, used capitalist super hero drilling techniques to reach the miners.  After completing the down-the-hole hammer drilling, the miners were strapped into a harness inside a 21-inch-wide bullet-shaped capsule.  They wore green moisture-resistant Nike track suits and Oakley sunglasses provided by the sponsors of the rescue.

Exclaiming the success of the rescue as a victory for Capitalism, the Captain claimed, "If those miners had been trapped a half-mile down like this 35 years ago, this Banana Republic would have had to use bed sheets tied together.  But rampant Capitalism in Chile, thanks to a patriotic CIA who secretly placed the revered Augusto Pinochet in power, provided these miners with this profitable rescue experience."  

The miners concurred that the great success of Capitalism had impacted their lives.  "It was Capitalism that gave me the opportunity of spending 55 years of my life underground," Mario Gómez, the oldest of the miners at 64, declared."  In a show of appreciation, The miners came out of the mine singing the Anthem of Capitalism,

We love you Capitalism
Oh yes we do
We love you Capitalism
And will be true!
When you're give'n it to us
A hardy screw!
Oh, Capitalism, we love you....  

In a show of Capitlist love the newly freed miners were given socks before reporting by to work to make up for lost time on the job.

In a statement released by DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of the Pamphlet, he stated, "The Churlish Captain of Capitalism has lost his mind if he thinks this human disaster is a victory for Capitalism. These miners were working a dangerous job at low wages to make assholes like him rich.  It is the typical capitalist story of wage slavery." 

NOTES:

Wall Street Journal, Capitalism Saved Miners, by Daniel Henninger: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703673604575550322091167574.html

New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/15/world/americas/15copiapo.html?src=mv

The Business Insider: http://www.businessinsider.com/time-for-everyone-to-cash-in-on-the-chilean-miners-saga-2010-10

US Intervention in Chile, Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_intervention_in_Chile

Beck Commands Lobotomites to Declare War on Human Progress

"Mr. Beck needs to stuff this language back where it came from," DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - Glenn "LobotoMary" Beck has commanded the Lobotomites to start a war on Human Progress.  The Lobotomites are Beck's lobotomized hoard of worshipful followers.  Beck commands the Lobotomites from his bunker at Foxy Newsy "hows that working out for ya" Network.

Foxy Newsy is owned by Lord Rupert "Long Heaps" Murdoch.  In an effort to control the Mis-information Industry, Murdoch invested in technology to perform surgical lobotomies via cable.  The procedure is technically termed a Media-Delivered Surgical Lobotomy, referred to in the Mis-Information Industry as a Media-botomy.  

Beck creates his ideas each morning by, "pounding his head and vomiting for four hours."  He claims the ritual connects him to his higher self, "I once used Everclear to find enlightenment, now I can induce it on command."   

He pronounced at the Conservative Fucked Up Dead Genetic Enders Political Action Committee (CFUDGE-PAC) Conference that, "Progressives are a disease."  The CFUDGE-PACers and Lobotomites yelped with delight when Beck brought out his Magic Chalkboard and commanded them to, "bleed the disease from their veins."  Apparently, conservative medicine has not progressed beyond Therapeutic Phlebotomy (bloodletting).

A Statement released by DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, offers, "History is ripe with those that think progress is the enemy of Human Being.  This opinion has merit in civil discourse, but this is not discourse and certainly not civil.  Mr. Beck needs to stuff this language back where it came from." 

NOTES:

1. Crooks and Liars - http://crooksandliars.com/david-neiwert/glenn-becks-eliminationist-attacks-p
2. Houston Examiner - Glen Beck says progressives must be eradicated 
3. Alternet - Is Glen Beck Breeding Domestic Violence?

New Planet Discovered in Uranus Tain'tisphere

"Urvaginus will change the way we look at Uranus!  I know, I've been looking a lot," DonJon, Dean of Students, MoBoho University.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - In an astonishing discovery Asstrologists at MoBoho University have discovered a New Planet nestled in the Tain'tisphere of Uranus.  The new planet has been dubbed by DonJonVonavich, Dean of Students, as "Urvaginus."  Hailed by DonJon as a "Life Affirming Discovery,"  he added, "Trust me, I am going to live long enough to land this Mons Pubis laden Planet."

But not everyone is celebrating the discovery, the Log Cabin Tea Baggers for Christ, referred to as LogBaggers4C, have denounce it as "Liberal Goddess Worshiping Pseudo-socio-commie-science Propaganda," and denounced DonJon as a "Clitoral Fascist."  Claiming their Theostrologists have discovered a "Planetary Package" tucked tightly between the Tain'tisphere of the New Planet, the Spokesman for LogBaggers4C, Hymie Hyman, stated "This is clear evidence of Intelligent Design, rather as God would have it, we have 'Urpenis'."

Links:

University of Arizona HiRISE Project: http://hirise.lpl.arizona.edu/PSP_007962_2635

Certified Vagina Whisperers of American: CVWAA

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE - Eccentric Publisher to Tap Na'vi Porn

For Immediate Release

Handled Messiahs Public Relations

Harry Martini, PRA

Eccentric Publisher to Tap Na'vi Pornography

In his first foray into the pornography industry DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, has announced a venture to tap into the sexual excitement surrounding the blockbuster movie, Avatar, from self-declared "King of the World," James Cameron.

The research division of Moloch the Plutocracy has found that 18 million teenage boys have masturbated to Neytiri, Princess of Omaticayato. "It's the largest masturbatory phenomenon since Princess Leia Organa, Crown Princess of Alderaan," claims DonJon. Adding "Research indicates men in their sixties are still 'Viagraurbating' to Princess Leia, we foresee decades of profit on Neytriri."

Harry Martini of Handled Messiahs PR and DonJon's publicist claims, "It's the next big slice of porn pie, Na'vi blue beaver will make the Asian bukakki trend seem like a trickle." The multi-phase business strategy will include a Pandorian porn website, a Na'vi adult dating service and a mating service for Pandorian nationals looking to marry Americans.

Big Blue Pandoragina (www.bigbluepandoragina.com), a porn site billed as "All Blue - All Nude - All Na'vi," will launch next month featuring an exclusive all nude spread of Princess Neytiri. The adult dating site, Naughty Na'Vi (www.naughtynavi.com), is set for debut in the spring. The launch date for the Na'vi mating project has been delayed pending approval from US Homeland Security.

Contact Information:

Handled Messiahs Public Relations

Harry Martini, PRA

(405) 4-MOLOCH (65624)

blewkarma@gmail.com