A 2020 Political Roadmap for Progressives

By Kyle.

DonJon New American Gigolo on CBS

"I still think Harry Martini Trucker Whore was a better idea for CBS primetime," Harry Martini, publicist to DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - CBS has announced a new one hour weekly series staring DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of this pamphlet.


The new series titled, DonJon Texas Walker, is set in Austin, Texas.  DonJon plays the part of a "New American Gigolo" in the weird central Texas town where he is contracted by wealthy older society ladies to service their personal needs.
CBS has stated that the primeime series "will be a big hit with the Golden Girls fans."

In each episode DonJon is faced with the challenge of keeping the ladies of Texas shown, stuffed, and sated.  "DonJon off screen experience as the Chairman of the Certified Vagina Whisperers Association has proven a treasure trove of content for our script writers," claims the CBS spokesperson.  


DonJon was not available for comment, but his Publicist, Harry Martini of Handled Messiahs Public Relations, provided the following statement:


"DonJon is proud to bring his experience into living rooms of American families each Thursday at 8:00 EST.  But, I still think Harry Martini Trucker Whore was a better idea for CBS primetime."

Beck Commands Lobotomites to Declare War on Human Progress

"Mr. Beck needs to stuff this language back where it came from," DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - Glenn "LobotoMary" Beck has commanded the Lobotomites to start a war on Human Progress.  The Lobotomites are Beck's lobotomized hoard of worshipful followers.  Beck commands the Lobotomites from his bunker at Foxy Newsy "hows that working out for ya" Network.

Foxy Newsy is owned by Lord Rupert "Long Heaps" Murdoch.  In an effort to control the Mis-information Industry, Murdoch invested in technology to perform surgical lobotomies via cable.  The procedure is technically termed a Media-Delivered Surgical Lobotomy, referred to in the Mis-Information Industry as a Media-botomy.  

Beck creates his ideas each morning by, "pounding his head and vomiting for four hours."  He claims the ritual connects him to his higher self, "I once used Everclear to find enlightenment, now I can induce it on command."   

He pronounced at the Conservative Fucked Up Dead Genetic Enders Political Action Committee (CFUDGE-PAC) Conference that, "Progressives are a disease."  The CFUDGE-PACers and Lobotomites yelped with delight when Beck brought out his Magic Chalkboard and commanded them to, "bleed the disease from their veins."  Apparently, conservative medicine has not progressed beyond Therapeutic Phlebotomy (bloodletting).

A Statement released by DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, offers, "History is ripe with those that think progress is the enemy of Human Being.  This opinion has merit in civil discourse, but this is not discourse and certainly not civil.  Mr. Beck needs to stuff this language back where it came from." 

NOTES:

1. Crooks and Liars - http://crooksandliars.com/david-neiwert/glenn-becks-eliminationist-attacks-p
2. Houston Examiner - Glen Beck says progressives must be eradicated 
3. Alternet - Is Glen Beck Breeding Domestic Violence?