DonJon EoW Campaign Considers Nuclear Option to Energize 47% Zombie Base

Chelsea Hotel (MP)- Political talking heads have long held that DonJon must maintain the 47% of Americans that will become zombies at the end-of-the-world if he is to win in November. Now that Mitt “Insert Nickname Here” Romney is aggressively pursuing the same 47% demographic with his well received Bridgehampton Beach video collection title, 1% Gone Wild, DonJon’s campaign is considering the nuclear option.

Alpha Bravo, mis-manager of the DonJon 2012 End-of-the-World presidential campaign, has been blamed for DonJon’s lagging poll numbers. DonJon’s approval ratings are down from 98.31% of those polled that say ‘who?’ and 8.31% that say “isn’t that the dude that fucked a lot of chicks?” to 96.654% and 6.4% respectively with a margin of error of 47%.

“I’ve told DonJon time and again, if we’re gonna bring out the zombie base the campaign is gonna have to use the nuclear option,” Alpha Bravo told Moloch the Plutocracy. “Come on, any idiot knows you gotta be dead to be a zombie. Referring to the December 21, 2012 end-times date, Bravo added, “At the end-of-the-world it’ll be too late for them to vote for DonJon. The time is now to Nuke ‘em!”

As America’s only end-of-the-world candidate DonJon’s campaign counted on the fact that those with genetic zombie leanings would naturally vote for him. “Ha! DonJon built his campaign around the expectation that future zombies were solidly in his camp,” offered Chris “Drooling Loudmouth” Matthews. “He conflated the zombies with the left-behind, I think that’s a miscalculation.”

In related presidential campaign news, Blackula announced his support of DonJon’s campaign, dropping his endorsement of President Barack “Hopie” Obama. In a public statement, Blackula said, “I don’t think race should be an issue at da end-of-da-world. I ain’t gonna sink my teeth into just any campaign cause da man’s a brotha.”