Global Warming Retiring at Top of Game, Breaks 15,000 Temperature Records in March

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - Global Warming has officially announced it's retirement from global destruction after racking up an impressive 15,000 American warm temperature records in March alone. "I'm going out at the top of my game," stated Global Warming, adding, "nothing can top that, I'm the Greatest."

Record and near-record breaking temperatures dominated the eastern two-thirds of the nation and contributed to the warmest March on record for the contiguous United States, a record that dates back to 1895. More than 15,000 warm temperature records were broken during the month. The average temperature of 51.1°F was 8.6 degrees above the 20th century average for March.

Global Warming was the leading contender to take the planet out in 2012 and its retirement will leave a large void in the race for Global Destruction 2012. The odds on favorite after Global Warming's unexpected retirement is Nuclear Fallout. Global destruction pundits believe Nuclear Fallout's comeback in 2011 with the Fukushima roundhouse proves that it's still a contender for the title. "Nuclear Fallout hasn't been a major contender since Chernobyl in 1986, but Fukushima proved its back strong," states Famine, the retired antediluvian global destroyer, now an anchor on ESPN's Apocalypse Center. He added, "I still wouldn't count out Global Warming, this may be a ploy for a big comeback later in the season."

U.S. records warmest March; more than 15,000 warm temperature records broken