Ten Commandments of Capitalism Given to Goldman CEO

"Profit, as it is defined in our current monetary system, promotes war, famine, violence, and ultimately the destruction of the planet."  DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - Goldman Sachs O'Money has released a sacred text for the most widely accepted 'faith' on Earth, Capitalism.  Goldman CEO and Grand Master of the Multiverse, Lloyd "BlankCheck" Blankfein claims that the "One True God, Profit," summoned him to the roof of Goldman Sachs Tower in Jersey City, New Jersey and delivered the Ten Commandments of Capitalism.

"It was a grueling banishment, over 40 minutes 40 seconds without my Blackberry or iPhone," states Blankfein, "In a loud and demanding voice, Profit, translated the Ten Commandments of Capitalism, which, of course, I asked him to copy me on my Blackberry."  

When Blankfein returned to the Goldman trading floor he found the traders celebrating Earth Day and taking long positions on Al Gore's green stock picks.  In anger, Blankfein smashed his Blackberry with the Ten Commandments of Capitalism.  Fortunately, his messages are forwarded to his iPhone and he was able to deliver the Commandments to the faithful Plutocrats and their minions.  They are translated as follows:

1 I am the Lord your God Profit, who brought you out of the land of the middle class, and the working stiff, and out of the house of wage slavery;

2 Do not have any other economic gods before me, especially workplace democracy, cooperation, wealth sharing, and collective bargaining.

3 You shall make for yourself idols, in the form of a private jet in the heaven above, a Manse on earth as shrine to your material achievement, and a floating Manse in the water to make the unwashed masses really pissed off.  You shall bow down to them and worship them; for I the Lord your God Profit, am a jealous God and need attention badly.  You will worship your material wealth as the embodiment of thy Lord your God Profit, or I will punish the children for the iniquity of parents, requiring a limited access trust to the third and the fourth generation.   But showing steadfast love to the thousandth generation by banishing estate taxes of those who love me.  

4 Honor your father and mother if they have left you a sufficient estate, that you maintain it and keep it from the grubby hands of the unwashed masses that seek to redistribute the wealth given by thy Lord your God Profit. 

5 You shall not make wrongful use of the name of thy Lord your God Profit, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name for a second mortgage or as a credit guarantor.  It is for the unwashed masses to pay interest and late fees to thy Lord your God Profit's inheritful children as penance for their poverty.

7 Remember the Sabbath days and keep them holy.  Monday through Friday and occasional Saturdays thy Lord  your God, Profit, demand those seeking economic ascendancy to pay homage.  For six days you, the Children of Profit, shall labour and do all your work and the rest of the year you will take leisure while the unwashed masses does your profitable work.  But the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God Profit; you shall not do any work—nor your son or your daughter, your mistress, or your investment portfolio, with exception of the alien residents, who shall labor in your gardens without notice to immigration authorities.  For in six days the thy Lord your God Profit, made mammon and the free markets, and your investment portfolio, and the Federal Reserve, and even Allen Greenspan, and all their monetary value, but rested on the seventh day; therefore thy Lord your God Profit, was burned out from such hard actuarial work by the Sabbath day and consecrated it.

8 You shall not murder, commit adultery, or steal without a high priced attorney to protect thy Lord your God Profit's moneyed children from the vengeful laws of the the unwashed masses.

9 You shall bear false witness against your neighbor to take their wealth for thy Lord your God Profit.  You shall purchase their politicians, take their tax payments, their homes, pollute their water and air, and have them suffer all the external inequities of your pursuit of alms to thy Lord your God Profit.

10 You shall not covet your neighbor’s house without a real estate agent of thy Lord your God Profit; you shall not covet your neighbor’s trophy wife without a domestic attorney of thy Lord your God Profit, but the male or female executive assistant is cool, but you should really stay away from the ox and donkey, they don't have much value these days anyway.

In a memo to their clients titled, Do Unto Goldman as Goldman Would Have You Do Unto Them, they claim that Blankfein's assent to the Moses of Capitalism seals their position as the unquestioned Masters of the Multiverse.  "Finally, as it should be, the moneychangers are seen as doing God's work," claims Blankfein, "Jesus was just a confused young man that meant well."  

Moloch the Plutocracy previously reported that Goldman had started foreclosure proceedings on the Greek Pantheon of Gods and has planning to convert it to a Pantheon of Financial Masters of the Multiverse. 

Asked for comment, DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, offered, "It is time the People study the economic system that has been taken as gospel for so long.  Profit, as it is defined in our current monetary system, promotes war, famine, violence, and ultimately the destruction of the planet.  Human Being will not progress until it has been replaced by a system that values those things that promote sustainability, equality, and progress." 

NOTES:

Reuters - www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE5A719520091108

Google News - http://news.google.com/news/search?aq=f&pz=1&cf=all&ned=us&hl=en&q=Goldman+

DonJon Names Lord of MisRule 2010

"lesser fools would have been down for the count,"  DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, named the Lord of MisRule for 2010 at his annual Masquerade of Fools party.  This years MisRuler, Joshua Granado, snagged the title with his feats of regurgitory prowess, first tossing his beans in the fools display case then directing his next spew in a guests truck bed.    

Briefly passing out, he returned for a session on the guitar in DonJon's caravan.  "His stamina is to be admired," claims DonJon, "lesser fools would have been down for the count."  The new Lord of MisRule will be responsible for carrying the fools message world wide, "fool me once, shame on you... fool me... brawwwwwwwwwww... oh, fuck, not again, brawwwwww," stated the Lord.

For more pictures of DonJon's Masquerade of Fools:  

DonJon's Masquerade of Fools

"Bring yo fool ass to dis party, fool!" Mr. T 

English Translation

April Fools Mask Party @ DonJon's Place

302 East 53rd Street

Austin, TX 78751

April Fools Night, April 1st, 2010

7:00 pm 

Until the Lord of MisRule

is Anointed, so be Foolish.

The Grills will be hot and chicken, beef, port provided

along with Beans & Rice.

But, we ask that you bring a small 

Potluck Side Dishes & Dessert.

BYOB

Wear a Mask

Canceled for Rain

RSVP - Please

modonjon@gmail.com 

Fwd: Art,Don't be Stupid!

EMAILS FROM THE ECCENTRIC PUBLISHER

To: Arthur "O'Clueless One" Sulzberger, Jr. Publisher, New York Times:

Fr: DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy:

Re: Old Gray Lady Older and Grayer

Get the Times with the times Dude!  It's becoming an old hag.  I write this knowing it will be lost in the digital pile of trash... but, that begs my point.  

Three times now I have tried to comment on opinion pieces and it says "Comments are no longer being accepted."  Please excuse the language as it is for effect;  I am a former transplanted New Yorker... Are you fucking stupid?  Why would you reject any comments... come on.  I am sure you have your logical reasons.  But they cannot override the upside of collecting all the ones and zeros you can.  I offer three  reasons you should reverse this policy now...

1. Comments make people feel a part of the story as opposed to being a passive consumer... Consumption of news is becoming a Hot medium... Re-read your McLuhan.  Readers are going to gravitate more and more to those that service this desire.  You Loose, Ariana Wins... Ha, and you do all the heavy lifting.  Are you fucking stupid?

2. Comments give people (the teeming masses) immortality... that they will live on in opinion.  That when the" last ding-dong of doom has clanged and faded from the last worthless rock hanging tideless in the last red and dying evening, that even then there will still be one more sound: that of his puny inexhaustible voice, still talking. (digitally)"  Those that offer eternity will survive, not those that turn it away.  Are you Fucking Stupid?

3. News is collected one letter, word, sentence at a time and presents itself when relevant.  Until then you don't know when, where or how... you are not the creator, merely the collector.  When history unfolds and the next Martin Luther King, Jr. and James Earl Ray present themselves, who will have collected their opinions, words, ones and zeros?  It seems it will not be the Times.  Are you FUCKING STUPID?

Please send my consulting check to the Chelsea Hotel, I am 

sincerely,

DonJon.

PS: I am very hung over today, please excuse my poorly written offering of eternal blather.   

--
DonJonVonavich HRH King of Mo 

Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy

The Vicar of Vice

The Last of the Bohemians

Facebook: DonJon Vonavich
MySpace: DonJon08
Twitter: DonJon2012
Voice: 405.4MOLOCH

Tarantino Writing Republican Response to ObamaCare

"They want to Shaft the American People," DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - Republican congressmen promoted Quentin Tarantino's Kill Bill two-part action thriller film series from the Speaker's Balcony.  The epic-length revenge drama has become the working strategy for Republican opposition to President "Hopie" Obama's legislative agenda.  "Quentin agreed to write our response," states Minority Leader John "The Orange Shaft" Boehner, "You see this Tea Party is a bad mother—Shut yo mouth!"    

Asked for comment, Tarantino offered, "I wanted to play on the Blaxploitation genre, the cast has really taken it to new creative heights."    

Pressed for comment, DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, merely offered, "They want to Shaft the American People." 

NOTES:

1. Crooks and Liars - http://firstread.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2010/03/25/2242298.aspx

LobotoMary Beck Ratcheting Up Fear of Human Progress

"Beck will be escorted off stage in a straight jacket soon," DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - Glenn "LobotoMary" Beck has been ratcheting up the fear mongering after the signing of health care reform on Tuesday.  The Lobotomites, Beck's lobotomized hoard of worshipful followers, "have been blowing their stitches," claims undisclosed sources behind the white tiled walls where they are keep between protest rallies.  Beck commands the Lobotomites from his bunker at Foxy Newsy "hows that working out for ya" Network.

Foxy Newsy is owned by Lord Rupert "Long Heaps" Murdoch.  In an effort to control the Mis-information Industry, Murdoch invested in technology to perform surgical lobotomies via cable.  The procedure is technically termed a Media-Delivered Surgical Lobotomy, referred to in the Mis-Information Industry as a Media-botomy.

Beck creates his ideas each morning by, "pounding his head and vomiting for four hours."  He claims the ritual connects him to his higher self, "I once used Everclear to find enlightenment, now I can induce it on command."   

Beck has had his magic chalk board in over-drive this week urging the Lobotomites to violent revolution, claiming, "This is the biggest thing we have ever faced. This is our Pearl Harbor, our Normandy, our Custer's Last Stand."  

In an effort to pinpoint their enemy, he offer that Progressives are "the California hippie Marxist Socialist Communist Progressive, sticking flowers in the barrel, sitting around smokin' dope all day during college and talkin' about how they can destroy the evil American empire," in laymen terms, the ones having fun.  In addition they have developed a Historical Progressive Hit list to discredit the movement in history.

- The Lobotomite Progressive Hit List - 

Puke vile rubbish when these names are mentioned

• Jane Addams, social worker
• Florence Kelley, child advocate
• Charles Beard, historian and political scientist
• Louis Brandeis, lawyer and Supreme Court justice
• William Jennings Bryan, Democratic presidential nominee
• Lucy Burns, suffragette
• Andrew Carnegie, steel and philanthropy
• Carrie Chapman Catt, suffragette
• Herbert Croly, journalist
• John Dewey, philosopher
• W. E. B. Du Bois, philosopher, intellectual
• Thomas Edison, inventor
• Irving Fisher, economist
• Henry Ford, automaker
• Charlotte Gilman, feminist
• Susan Glaspell, playwright, novelist
• Lewis Hine, photographer
• Charles Evans Hughes, statesman
• William James, philosopher
• Hiram Johnson, California politician
• Robert M. La Follette, Sr., Wisconsin politician
• Walter Lippmann, journalist
• John R. Mott, YMCA leader
• George Cardinal Mundelein, Catholic leader
• Alice Paul, suffragette
• Ulrich B. Phillips, historian
• Gifford Pinchot, conservationist
• Walter Rauschenbusch, theologian of Social Gospel
• Jacob Riis, reformer
• Theodore Roosevelt, President
• Elihu Root, statesman
• Margaret Sanger, birth control
• Anna Howard Shaw, suffragette
• Upton Sinclair, novelist
• Albion Small, sociologist
• Ellen Gates Starr, sociologist
• Lincoln Steffens, reporter
• Henry Stimson, statesman
• William Howard Taft, President and Chief Justice
• Ida Tarbell, muckraker
• Frederick Winslow Taylor, efficiency expert
• Frederick Jackson Turner, historian
• Thorstein Veblen, economist
• Lester Frank Ward, sociologist
• Booker T. Washington, social reformist, leader
• Woodrow Wilson, President

A Statement released by DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, offers, "LobotoMary Beck is over the top, he will be escorted off stage in a straight jacket soon." 

NOTES:

1. Crooks and Liars - http://crooksandliars.com/david-neiwert/glenn-becks-eliminationist-attacks-p
2. Houston Examiner - Glen Beck says progressives must be eradicated 
3. Alternet - Is Glen Beck Breeding Domestic Violence?
4. Crooks and Liars - http://crooksandliars.com/david-neiwert/beck-goes-nuts-over-hcr-concludes-ev

DonJon Offers Likeness for Fifty Dollar Note

"If mediocrity is the qualification, I have it in abundance,"  DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy has offered his likeness for the Fifty dollar Federal Reserve Note.  His offer is a compromise to settle the dispute between the Ulysses S. Grant and Ronald Reagan factions.  "Grant was a renowned drunk and Reagan an mediocre actor, I am both and a mildly notable misfit to boot," claims DonJon. "If mediocrity is the qualification, I have it in abundance." 

The Not-so-Federal Reserve Chairman, Ben "The Consigliere" Bernanke stated, "DonJon claims he will  'collapse the monetary system as we know it,' his likeness on our notes would certainly do that." 

NOTES:

New York Times - Who’s Buried in the History Books?
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/14/opinion/14wilentz.html?pagewanted=1&ref=general&src=me

Queen Limbaugh, "Let them eat Applesauce"

"Let Queen Limbaugh EAT SHIT!" DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - The Queen of the Illiteratti, Rush Limbaugh, offered his solution to protecting the Right-to-life of those without health care.  The Illiteratti are those subjects living in the Limbaugh Realm of Illiterate Illusion.  

Wearing a beautiful ceremonial gown and royal tiarra, he pronounced to the gathered hoard of Illiteratti at his feet, "Qu'ils mangent de la puree de pommes."  Translated to english as, "Let them eat applesauce."   

Queen Limbaugh was commenting on the report offered by Congress-Wiesel Louise Slaughter that a subject was using her dead sister's dentures.  "What's wrong with using a dead person's teeth? Aren't the Democrats big into recycling?" the Queen declared and the Illiteratti roared with laughter on command.  

The Queen went on to lambaste another subject about breaking his wrist if he couldn't afford care, pronouncing, "Didn't lil' Stephen Colbert solve this problem already?"

In a related statement, DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, offered, "Laisser Limbaugh de Reine Mange de la Merde... translate this." 

NOTES:

1. New York Times - http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/26/health/policy/26health.html?ref=us
2. Crooks & Liars - "Let them Eat Applesauce," Limbaugh

Beck Commands Lobotomites to Declare War on Human Progress

"Mr. Beck needs to stuff this language back where it came from," DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - Glenn "LobotoMary" Beck has commanded the Lobotomites to start a war on Human Progress.  The Lobotomites are Beck's lobotomized hoard of worshipful followers.  Beck commands the Lobotomites from his bunker at Foxy Newsy "hows that working out for ya" Network.

Foxy Newsy is owned by Lord Rupert "Long Heaps" Murdoch.  In an effort to control the Mis-information Industry, Murdoch invested in technology to perform surgical lobotomies via cable.  The procedure is technically termed a Media-Delivered Surgical Lobotomy, referred to in the Mis-Information Industry as a Media-botomy.  

Beck creates his ideas each morning by, "pounding his head and vomiting for four hours."  He claims the ritual connects him to his higher self, "I once used Everclear to find enlightenment, now I can induce it on command."   

He pronounced at the Conservative Fucked Up Dead Genetic Enders Political Action Committee (CFUDGE-PAC) Conference that, "Progressives are a disease."  The CFUDGE-PACers and Lobotomites yelped with delight when Beck brought out his Magic Chalkboard and commanded them to, "bleed the disease from their veins."  Apparently, conservative medicine has not progressed beyond Therapeutic Phlebotomy (bloodletting).

A Statement released by DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, offers, "History is ripe with those that think progress is the enemy of Human Being.  This opinion has merit in civil discourse, but this is not discourse and certainly not civil.  Mr. Beck needs to stuff this language back where it came from." 

NOTES:

1. Crooks and Liars - http://crooksandliars.com/david-neiwert/glenn-becks-eliminationist-attacks-p
2. Houston Examiner - Glen Beck says progressives must be eradicated 
3. Alternet - Is Glen Beck Breeding Domestic Violence?

Right-to-life Futures Surge on Unalienable Rights Mercantile Exch

"How can our representatives dawdle while lives are at stake?" DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - Right-to-life futures surged on the Unalienable Rights Mercantile Exchange (RiteX) after the White House bipartisan health care summit.  The price of 90 year maturity Right-to-life Futures Contracts (90-Lives) jumped 21% by the closing bell on Friday.  Traders were betting on the failure of health care legislation to protect citizens unalienable right-to-life.  90-Lives futures contracts price the likelihood of citizens living beyond 90 years.

At the RiteX Opening Bell the price of 90-Lives Futures Contracts were $19,821.21, by the closing they had jumped to $20,230.21.  Right-to-life Commodities Trader, Rufus Tufus, was in the trading pit, "None'a these fools gonna live to 90... we in da money, Dog... crazy fuck'rs ain't gonna reform no health care!  CHA CHING Mu'thur Fuck'rrr."

RiteX Commissioner, Former President George "Waterboy" Bush, stated, "he he, free markets...  he he, they will price life... only way... freedom, free markets... right Dick... Dick... DICK, where did Dick go?"

In a related statement, DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, offered, "Life is not a commodity.  This is a civil rights issue on the magnitude of American slavery, 45,000 die each year from lack of health care.  How can our representatives dawdle while lives are at stake?" 

NOTES:

1. New York Times - http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/26/health/policy/26health.html?ref=us
2. Crooks & Liars - "Let them Eat Applesauce," Limbaugh

Goldman in Titanic Struggle to Foreclose on Greek Pantheon

"These bank-holes should be reamed, pounded and thrown out with the trash,"  DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - Recent reports from Athens, Greece confirm that Goldman Sachs O'Money is in foreclosure proceedings on the Greek Pantheon of Gods.  The Twelve Olympians have occupied the Greek Pantheon on Mount Olympus since the 7th Century BC.  "This is the only home we have known," states Zeus, King of the Gods, "It is especially hard on Hera, she had to go to work outside the Pantheon during the last recession." 

The Olympians purchased the Greek Pantheon from the Titans at the peak of the Pantheon bubble. Pantheon values have dropped by 30% since the beginning of the Great Banker Recession.

"The Olympians are in default," claims Goldman CEO and Grand Master of the Multiverse, Lloyd "BlankCheck" Blankfein.  "Zeus understood the terms, this is about personal responsibility," says Blankfien, "The Olympians have not changed with the times.  Seriously, Poseidon is still doing his old hippocampus show.  Demeter hasn't upgraded to corporate agricultural standards. Hephaestus  is still a blacksmith; seriously, metal work is all sourced out of China now.  The rest of them are just artists, lovers and boozers and don't produce an income.  Christ, even Hestia is still a virgin," rails Blankfien.

Blankfien confirmed rumors that Hades, Zeus' brother, has taken a position with Goldman, stating "Hades is a hell of a banker."  Hades, formerly Lord of the Dead and God of the Underworld, was appointed President of Goldman Sachs O'Money Pantheon Recapitalization Fund, "He is re-capitalizing the world Pantheon market after the bubble," states Blankfien, "We expect another round of huge fees and bonuses."  

It is uncertain what Goldman Sachs O'Money will do with the repossessed Greek Pantheon.  "We are considering a Pantheon of Financial Masters of the Multiverse," offers Blankfien, "Obviously, We control everything, are given huge sacrificial offerings, held blameless for our failures, and the People pray at our feet for financial salvation. It's the natural next step."

Asked for comment, DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, offered, "These bank-holes should be reamed, pounded and thrown out with the trash!  And ultimately the People will do just that." 

NOTES:

New York Times - Wall St. Helped to Mask Debt Fueling Europe’s Crisis
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/14/business/global/14debt.html?hp

Huffington Post - JPMorgan Bombing: Bomb Explodes At Bank Offices In Athens

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/02/16/jp-morgan-bombing-bomb-ex_n_464128.html

Greeks Riot Over Nation's Financial Crisis: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/05/greeks-riot-over-nations_n_487835.html

Wikipedia - Twelve Olympians 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_pantheon

DonJon Releases State of the MoUnion

"I believe that this union is strong and willful and honest and caring and ultimately persuasive in the long and painful advancement of Being Human," DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy has issued his annual State of the MoUnion Address, a response to The President of the United States of American, Barack "Hopie" Obama.  Because DonJon claims to be "on the lamb" from Homeland Security, the speech was delivered at an undisclosed location.

A video statement speaks to the Union of Human Being, but offers no specifics on the advancement of the ideals outlined the speech.  When asked for more details, Harry Martini, publicist to DonJonVonavich, offered chuckling, "Specifics... You want specifics?  How much time do you have?  DonJon picks more ideas out of his nose than Hopie will have in his lifetime!"  

Below is the Video & Full Transcript:

Madam Shaman, Vice Molochster Martini, Members of the MoBoho Congress, Fellow Molochsters, Artists, and Seekers of Truth, Beauty and Love.

In the course of history, from time to time, the People have stood up to declare their Right of Human Being. One such moment is evidenced by a simple truth scribed on parchment in a small room in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania by a young Patriot of the Enlightenment. That Human Being had evolved to an Understanding of Mutual Equality, of Mutual Purpose, and of Mutual Pursuit; that this Understanding be guided by the Natural Laws and Unalienable Rights of Man and Nature; that this Understanding be formalized in the meager words available; that this Understanding be the purpose of a Union of Free People.

The seed of the American Union has harvested a great bounty for Human Being, democratic republican government, equality of the races, and global communication. But of singular importance, because of this union Mankind is one step closer to Being Human. But this American Union has faltered in the pursuit of this Understanding; Institutions have been constructed and recognized to have the natural rights afforded by this Understanding; Institutions that seek the domination of Man and Nature in defiance of this Understanding.

We the people that seek a more Human Being, know the truth of this Understanding, that the Natural Laws and Unalienable Rights of Man and Nature ordain no declaration, no charter or no constitution greater than the Sovereign Right of Being Human. That the only Union that is inevitable, persistent, and enduring is the Union of Human Being. A Union guided by the Universal Principle of Being Human, To treat those among us as we would be treated. A Union that affords no institution of government, religion or commerce the deep obligation that is ours alone, of Being Human.

It is this Union of Human Being of which the state we should be concerned.  

I believe that this Union is strong and willful and honest and caring and ultimately persuasive in the long and painful advancement of Being Human.  I believe that the lesser unions will stand down when the Union of Human Being stands up.  I believe it is this Union of Human Being which we must hold our Ultimate Allegiance.  

This Union of Human Being is bound supreme to the single law abiding in the deep well of Humanity; A law that is ever-present, all powerful, and infinitely wise.  A law that transcends the flawed and fractured languages; A law that is the truth, the meaning, and the purpose; A law that is evident in a billion beautiful acts, in a million loving communities, in a thousand lonesome moments of Being Human. It is in these lonesome moments that we are all one, that our desire know no language, no pursuit, and no love other than that of Being Human.

THANK YOU...

Virgin Probe Spotted Retreating from Urvaginus

"We have a gentleman's agreement; I will probe Urvaginus first,"  DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - MoBoho University Asstronomers spotted a mysterious X-shaped probe beating a hasty retreat from Urvaginus trailing Interstellar Spermal Streamers. Close inspection of the image, captured by NASA's Hubble Telescope, indicates that the probe may be property of Virgin Intergalactic, owned by Sir Richard “The De-Virginator” Branson. If true, the penetration of Urvaginus and premature retraction would be a breech of contract with DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy over landing rights to the Planet.

Asstronomers at MoBoho University recently discovered the Planet nestled in the Tain'tisphere of Uranus. DonJonVonavich, MoBoho Dean of Students, dubbed the new planet "Urvaginus," and hailed it a "Life Affirming Discovery." Adding, "Trust me, I will live long enough to land this Mons Pubis laden Planet."

Within weeks of the discovery, DonJon announced a joint venture with Branson to land an Interstellar Probe on Urvaginus. The New Corporation, MoVirgin Inter-Urvaginus, was incorporated and Branson dedicated his largest Probe to the project. Initial tests of his Probe resulted in premature fuel tank ejaculation. DonJon is scheduled to led an Expeditionary Battalion of Certified Vagina Whisperers, known as the Fighting Carpet Munchers, to land Urvaginus.

It is uncertain if this announcement will jeopardize the expedition. "I respect Branson as a leader in tapping Virgin territory," stated DonJon, "But, we have a gentleman's agreement; I probe Urvaginus first. It is an alluring prize, if he is only thinking with his Interstellar Probe he will easily be drawn into the tain'tisphere of the Planet. Once the tain'tisphere is penetrated, he can't resist landing his Probe." When asked if his Probe and the Planet had any contact, Branson answered, "Uh, I don't know what your talking about... Uh, probe Urvaginus? Uh, no of course not... Uh, why do you ask?"

Urvaginus has been embroiled in controversy from the beginning of it's discovery. The Log Cabin Tea Baggers for Christ have denounce it as "Liberal Goddess Worshiping Pseudo-Socio-Commie-Science Propaganda," and claimed their Theostronomers had discovered Urpenis tucked tightly in the Tain'tisphere of Uranus.

Links:

NASA - Hubble Space Telescope - http://www.nasa.gov/mission_pages/hubble/science/asteroid-20100202.html

University of Arizona HiRISE Project: http://hirise.lpl.arizona.edu/PSP_007962_2635

DonJon Insights Wild Orgy in Wood Sexitarium

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - A letter written by Tiger "Long Baller" Woods and delivered to Moloch the Plutocracy titled, One Spew Over the Clitberry Bush, describes an outrageous orgy incited by DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of this pamphlet and his Publicist, Harry Martini, Founder of Handled Messiahs Public Relations.

Woods was committed to the Pine Grove Sexitarium for the Carnally Corrupt in Hatisburg, MS., where, apparently, DonJon was admitted under the name Wandle Patwick McPwankster as a Registered Sex Offender on the planet Pandora.  Woods has disappeared from Pine Grove and has not be seen since.

The Full Text of the Letter Follows:

One Spew Over the Clitberry Bush

From: Chief "Long Baller" Woods

To: Moloch the Plutocracy

I was committed to the Repeatedly Repeat Offenders Wing of the Pine Grove Sexitarium for the Carnally Corrupt for spewing my wad into more hookers, porn stars, gold diggers, groupies and roadies than my combined lifetime score in golf. The place is dismal in it's impotent beauty, sterile in it's lack of sexual emotion, decorated with refined monotone furnishings and bland facsimiles of art to appear inanimate and removed from the luscious movements of life. An impression that disguises the fact that it houses to the most perverted sex addicts and offenders in the Multiverse. 

READ THE FULL STORY ON CERTIFIED VAGINA WHISPERERS ASSOCIATION

DonJon Announces Virgin Joint Venture to Penetrate Urvaginus

"I am concerned Urvaginus will tease our probe as we enter the Tain'tisphere and deny entry to her Planetary Labia,"  DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy and MoVaginal Chairman of The Certified Vagina Whisperers Association (CVWA), announced a joint venture with Sir Richard "The De-Virginator" Branson to land an Interstellar Probe on Urvaginus within the decade.  

Asstrologists at MoBoho University recently discovered the New Planet while exploring the Tain'tisphere of Uranus.  "We had no idea what was at the other end," claims MoBoho Senior Asstrologist, Dr. Dick Hurtz. 

The New Corporation, dubbed MoVirgin Inter-Urvaginus, is devoted to the exploration of the Mons Pubis laden Planet.  Branson, a pioneer in Intergalactic Travel and renowned De-Virginator,  has dedicated his largest Probe to the the venture, named the Probus-Mons-Pubis Intergalactic Pleasure Ship.  "We will penetrate Urvaginus from every Angle with our Pleasure Ship until we are Satisfied," states Branson. 

Initial tests of Branson's Probe resulted in premature fuel tank ejaculation.  "The Probe was stroked and ready for Interstellar Penetration, but couldn't hold it's tanks," claims Branson.    

DonJon will lead an Expeditionary Battalion of Certified Vagina Whisperers, known as the Fighting Carpet Munchers, to land Urvaginus.  "She will not be easy to land," states DonJon, "I am concerned Urvaginus will tease our probe as we enter the Tain'tisphere and deny entry to her Planetary Labia." 

In a related story, the Log Cabin Tea Baggers for Christ (LogBaggers4C) have retained the services of Professor Bimm, Mad Pseudo-Scientist and Living Root Vegetable, to disprove the existence of Urvaginus.  The LogBaggers4Cs have denounce the planetary discovery as "Liberal Goddess Worshiping Pseudo-Socio-Commie-Science Propaganda," and denounced DonJon as a "Clitoral Fascist." 

"If anyone can disprove the existence of Urvaginus, It is Professor Bimm," states the LogBaggers4C spokesperson, Hymie Hyman.  Professor Bimm works at Harvard University's Ivory Basement diabolically plotting to negate the life's work of the Good Citizens of the World.

Links:

University of Arizona HiRISE Project: http://hirise.lpl.arizona.edu/PSP_007962_2635

Supreme Court Announces Initial Public Stock Offering

"These Justices are Supreme Plutocratic Assholes," DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - The Supreme Court of the United States has registered with the Securities and Exchange Commission for an Initial Public Stock Offering (IPO) under the name SCOTUS, Inc.  The Company will be traded on the Atlantic City Stock Exchange (ACX) under the symbol SCOTUS. "We are excited to allow the Free Market to determine the value of American Justice," states Antonin "Big Tone" Scalia, Chairman of SCOTUS, Inc.

Wall Street Investment Banking firm Goldman Sachs O'Money is the Lead Underwriter in the 'Too Large to Fail Banking Syndicate,' commonly referred to as the FailSafe.  Goldman CEO and Grand Master of the Multiverse, Lloyd "BlankCheck" Blankfein, confirmed, "Goldman Sachs O'Money, Bank of We Own America, JPMorgan Chase If You Want It Back, and Merrill Lynch Anyone That Tries is the FailSafe Syndicate underwriting all American Justice offerings."

The Success of the SCOTUS Offering is expected to unleash a torrent of Justice IPO's.  FailSafe Syndicate Press secretary, Rufus Tufus, claimed, "The Fuck'n Justice Bull is rag'n... da Offer'ns Sold Out... Justice be da Next Great American Bubble."

Both the Third and Fifth Courts of Appeal have retained the FailSafe Syndicate for due diligence reviews on their books to determine valuations.  "I expect all 11 Appeals Courts and most of the 94 District Courts will go public within the next two years," claims Blankfien.

The SCOTUS, Inc. Prospectus states, "funds raised by the Initial Public Offering will be invested in the SCOTUS Free Speech Futures Trading Desk on the Unalienable Rights Mercantile Exchange (RiteX)."  A recent Supreme Court ruling in Citizens United v. Federal Elections Commission conferred Corporate Citizens, Labor Unions and Organizations the same free speech rights as Natural Citizens.  The Ruling reversed a One Hundred Year Precedent.

The RiteX temporarily halted trading when 90-Day-US-Free-Speech Futures Contracts (US-Frees) tripled in value to $1,209.21 per syllable from $398.21 in three hours.  "The Business of Justice has changed, It requires a much greater investment in US Free Speech to maintain Market Share," offers Scallia, "SCOTUS, Inc. will be the Market Leader in Free Speech 

Trading.  

Asked for comment, DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, offered, "These Justices are Supreme Plutocratic Assholes.  Free Speech is not a commodity purchasable by the highest Bidder!" 

NOTES:

1. New York Times - Justices Overturn Key Campaign Limits
2. The Washing Post - The Supreme Court removes important limits on campaign finance
3. AlterNet - Supreme Court's 'Radical and Destructive' Decision Hands Over Democracy to the Corporations
4. Citizen Works - Why Corporate Personhood Matters and What it Means