Saturday, December 11, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Too Large to Fail Banks Acquire Too Small to Save Homeowners
Chelsea Hotel (MP) - In response to the mortgage foreclosure crisis the Too Large to Fail Banking Syndicate, commonly referred to as the FailSafe, has confirmed they will no longer put families out of their homes. The new foreclosure procedure announced by the syndicate allows home owners to stay in their homes as indentured servants to the mortgage holder.
Goldman Sachs O'Money, Bank of We Own America, JPMorgan Chase If You Want It Back, and Merrill Lynch Anyone That Tries makes up the FailSafe Syndicate developing the Indentured Families Fund that will hold the assets. "The Indentured Families Fund is a win win for both homeowners and banks, families stay in their homes and the banks acquire added security in the form of Human assets," stated Jamie "TopGun" Dimon, CEO and chairman of JPMorgan Chase If You Want It Back.
The failure to properly document many mortgages during the Housing Inflation Program, commonly referred to as the housing bubble, has informed the FailSafe to take precautions documenting the acquisition of their new human assets. "We are looking to our colonial forebears for our legal precedent." claims Dimon, "indentured servitude is a proven pathway to the American dream, we are proud to help these families once again." The families will be required to serve the FailSafe Syndicate in maintaining the vast residential holdings that make up their Plutocratic Land Patent. It is estimated that the FailSafe Syndicate controls nearly 60% of all residential property via their mortgage holdings.
The FailSafe was responsible for the inflation in home prices resulting in the rash of homeowner defaults by approving mortgages of any individual that told sufficient lies to support the loan request. Dimon explains, "the free market can assess the truth and value it, we saw no need to ask prying questions such as income verification."
One of the most aggressive mortgage vehicles was the Crackhead Liars Loan, "we found a very profitable market in crackheads," claims Dimon, "they were the most convincing liars, repeat borrowers, and take any amount we approved on their homes." It is unsure how the FailSafe will handle tweaking crackheads within the Indentured Homeowners Fund.
Wall Street Investment Banking firm Goldman Sachs O'Money has announced plans to create Indentured Servant Backed Securities. Goldman CEO and Grand Master of the Multiverse, Lloyd "BlankCheck" Blankfein, confirmed, "We will parse the assets into various baskets of indentured servants depending on skills and ability and sell them to the same unwitting buyers of our mortgage securities."
Asked for comment, DonJon, Eccentric Publisher of this pamphlet stated, "The banks manipulated the so called free market with their out-weighted influence in the mortgage industry and American Homeowners are paying the price in foreclosed homes, lost jobs, and devastated families."
Alternet: http://www.alternet.org/economy/148520/foreclosure_fraud:_wall_street_cheats_the_middle_class_again/
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Angelina Jolie's Purported Old Drug Dealer Tells All About Her Heroin & Cocaine Habit
dennisrs:
Why would you think that a drug dealer would be any less honest then, lets say, an actor or lawyer or butcher. I lived next door to Frank in the Chelsea Hotel when I first moved in. Although, I never saw her, it was widely known in the Chelsea community that Frank's celebrity clients included Angelina. One night I came home and the DEA was taking him away, the hallway piled with his things, including guns. Frank was well liked in the Hotel. I assume Angelina either found a new dealer or kicked.
Best,
DonJon.
Eccentric Publisher, Moloch the Plutocracy
http://mol
About Angelina Jolie
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost
Friday, October 15, 2010
Hopie Says Nopie to Dopie
Chelsea Hotel (MP) -
Attorney General Eric "MC AG" Holder says the federal government will enforce its marijuana laws in California even if voters next month make the state the first in the nation to legalize the drug. "Yo Yo, President Hopie has said nopie to dopie," stated Holder.
The Justice Department strongly opposes California's Proposition 19 and remains firmly committed to enforcing the federal Controlled Substances Act in all states, Holder wrote in a letter to former Drug Czars. "We will enforce the CSA, against my homies in LA, and the big ass state of CA. This bro ain't no DJ, I'm the General of the DA, with a loud mighty PA... we don't care about no MDMA, no E, no O, no H, no K, GHB, 2CB, 2C1PDA or CCC. The law is calling me to stop the THC."
If California's voting stoners approve the ballot measure, the state would become the first to legalize and regulate recreational dro, cronic, mowie wowie, purple haze, afgani, amsterdam gold, special K, white rino, white skunk, hardy brown eye, juicy jumble weed, lickity split, green sanchez, turd blossom special, and other strains of cannabis with dumb ass names. Adults could possess up to one ounce of the drug and grow small gardens on private property.
He said the ballot measure's passage would "significantly undermine" efforts to keep California communities safe. The recent government study titled Refer Madness 3D, paints a horrifying picture of teens on pot, gasping for air with laughter, thinking of mind numbing ideas, and glorifying how stoned they are.
In a statement released by DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of the Pamphlet, he stated, "Woa dude, I'm way too fucked up to comment," DonJon.
New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2010/10/15/us/AP-US-Marijuana-Legalization-Justice.html?_r=1&hp
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Peter Joseph, Director of Zeitgeist, Talks About Economic Collapse
Churlish Captain Capitalism Saves Miners in Mere 69 Days
(READER NOTE: This article is in response to an opinion post in the Wall Street Journal titled, Capitalism Saved Miners, by Daniel Henninger)
Chelsea Hotel (MP) - The Churlish Captain Capitalism & Executive Sidekick, Dale the Driller, saved the Chilean miners using their free-market super hero tools. "It needs to be said," stated The Captain, "The rescue is a smashing victory for free-market capitalism and myself. It may seem churlish of me, but then again, I am the Churlish Captain Capitalism."
Thirty three miners working in the San Jose mine owned by Compania Minera San Esteban were rescued after 69 days. The timing corresponded with the quarterly reporting for the company, "We felt it would improve stockholder return to have our human resources out by the end of the quarter," stated a spokesperson for the corporation, adding, "The market doesn't respond well to dead miners."
The Churlish Captain Capitalism, sporting his double Center Cock drill heads, used for down-the-hole hammer drilling, was able to penetrate the miners enclosed space. "The Chilean miners have never experienced down-the-hole hammer drilling the Capitalist way," declared the Captain.
Stating that capitalism is the hero in the saga of the Chilean miners, the Captain offered, "The Capitalist exploitation = shareholder profit = innovation dynamic was everywhere at that Chilean mine. The mine owners have already secured licensing rights to the folk songs they wrote while waiting to die."
Dale the Driller, Executive Sidekick to the Churlish Captain Capitalism, used capitalist super hero drilling techniques to reach the miners. After completing the down-the-hole hammer drilling, the miners were strapped into a harness inside a 21-inch-wide bullet-shaped capsule. They wore green moisture-resistant Nike track suits and Oakley sunglasses provided by the sponsors of the rescue.
The miners concurred that the great success of Capitalism had impacted their lives. "It was Capitalism that gave me the opportunity of spending 55 years of my life underground," Mario Gómez, the oldest of the miners at 64, declared." In a show of appreciation, The miners came out of the mine singing the Anthem of Capitalism,
Oh yes we do
We love you Capitalism
And will be true!
When you're give'n it to us
A hardy screw!
Oh, Capitalism, we love you....
Wall Street Journal, Capitalism Saved Miners, by Daniel Henninger: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703673604575550322091167574.html
New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/15/world/americas/15copiapo.html?src=mv
The Business Insider: http://www.businessinsider.com/time-for-everyone-to-cash-in-on-the-chilean-miners-saga-2010-10
US Intervention in Chile, Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_intervention_in_ChileTuesday, October 12, 2010
Judge Over Rules Military "It's Only Gay if You Take it" Policy
Chelsea Hotel (MP) - A federal judge issued a worldwide injunction Tuesday immediately stopping enforcement of the military's long held policy on homosexuality, "it's only gay if you take it." The ruling allows those that take it in-the-ass to openly serve their fellow troops. U.S. District Judge Virginia "Fag Hag" Phillips' landmark ruling also ordered the government to allow federal workers to take it in-the-ass openly. She stated, "their are givers and takers in every exchange, now the 'ass-takers' can publicly and patriotically be reamed."
The Chairman of The Joint Chiefs of Staff, Adm. Mike "Butt Sniffer" Mullen, the military's top uninformed officer, decried the decision, "The American People don't have a right to know they have... ah hum... who has been taking it in-the-ass from the Joint Chiefs." The President, Barak "Hopie" Obama, supported the ruling. Speaking to an assembly of The Union of Federal Ass-takers in Government Service (U-FAGS) stated, "U-FAGS can now proudly and openly take it in-the-ass for the country." Laughing he added, "I understand, I have privately taken it in-the-ass many times since becoming President... like the entire health care lobby."
New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2010/10/12/us/AP-US-Gays-in-Military.html?_r=1&hp
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Childrens Right-to-life Futures Surge on News Policies Withheld
"Did anyone expect our insurance master to do the right thing, kids be damned." DonJon.
Chelsea Hotel (MP) - Children's Right-to-life futures surged on the Unalienable Rights Mercantile Exchange (RiteX) after the announcement that major health insurance companies in California and other states have decided to stop selling policies for children rather than comply with a new federal healthcare law that bars them from rejecting youngsters with preexisting medical conditions.
The price of Sub-19 Right-to-life Futures Contracts (Sub19s) jumped 21% by the closing bell on Tuesday. Traders were ecstatic that the insurance industry have taken a bold stand on profit by withholding health care from children under 19. Sub19s futures contracts price the likelihood of children living to adulthood.
At the RiteX Opening Bell the price of Sub19s Futures Contracts were $19,821.21, by the closing they had jumped to $20,230.21. Right-to-life Commodities Trader, Rufus Tufus, was in the trading pit, "Fool, insurance ain't gonna pay for no chill'ins health care... no snot nosed kids gonna steal corporate profits... we in da money, Dog... ! CHA CHING Mu'thur Fuck'rrr."
Don't Ask Don't Tell Lifted for Plutocracy
Chelsea Hotel (MP) - The Plutocracy is coming out of the closet. The long observed "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy on excess personal wealth is being lifted. "We have earned this obscene quantity of money and we are no longer ashamed of it," claimed Ken "Sticky Fingers" Lewis, Chairman of the Masters of the Universe Counsel on Keeping Yours Ours Unendingly, known as MUCK YOU.
Excess wealth has long been considered the "embarrassment of riches" and the Plutocracy had an informal policy to never discuss it outside of their own ranks. But, recently the discussion has entered the public discourse of the unwashed masses due to President "Hopie" Obama's desire to allow the Bush tax cuts for his fellow Plutocrats expire.
In his recent opinion post, Paul Krugman, stated "It’s one thing when a billionaire rants at a dinner event. It’s another when Forbes magazine runs a cover story alleging that the president of the United States is deliberately trying to bring America down as part of his Kenyan, “anticolonialist” agenda, that “the U.S. is being ruled according to the dreams of a Luo tribesman of the 1950s.”
"This is a clear case of discrimination, the wealthy are being unf
airly targeted," states Lewis. "This historic abuse of our of civil rights will not stand, we will walk out of our board rooms, mansions, country clubs, and beach homes to take to the streets to defend our right to steal, hoard, and repress."
Lewis confirmed MUCK YOU has created a political action committee to purchase national and local politicians. "Fortunately, our investment in the Supreme Court has paid off and we can now use our massive wealth to control the trolls in congress without limit."
In a statement released by DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of the Pamphlet, he stated, "When the People finally realize the limitations money places on the advancement of the human condition wealth will be measured by the poor feed, the lives saved, and the happiness pursued by all."
New York Times: Paul Krugman The Angry Rich
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Tough Capitalist Love for One in Five Children
Chelsea Hotel (MP) - The United States Census Bureau reported that Forty-four million people in the United States, or one in seven residents, lived in poverty in 2009, an increase of 4 million from the year before. The poverty rate climbed to 14.3 percent — the highest level since 1994 — from 13.2 percent in 2008. The rise was steepest for children, with one in five residents under 18 living below the official poverty line.
A concerned Plutocracy confirmed their commitment to their Tough Capitalist Love Program in rearing the children of the masses. Ken "Sticky Fingers" Lewis, Chairman of the Masters of the Universe Counsel on Keeping Yours Ours Unendingly, known as MUCK YOU, stated "the tough capitalist love approach is vital to raising children dedicated to the well being of the Plutocracy. One in five children are learning that a healthy and prosperous life is dependent on a vital respect for the imbalance of wealth," further stated Lewis.
For a single adult in 2009, the poverty line was $10,830 in pretax cash income; for a family of four, $22,050. "Poverty is a choice, personal responsibility requires they pull themselves up by their rotted bootstraps. They must learn that to get a greater share of the economy they will have to repress and steal from others, hoard public resources, and buy off politicians. Our Tough Capitalist Love Program is teaching slow learners the hard lessons of American life."
The number of residents without health insurance in 2009 climbed to 51 million, from 46 million in 2008. The share of children who were uninsured fell, though, reflecting an expansion of government health programs covering low-income children. MUCK YOU confirmed their disappointment that those enrolled in the Tough Capitalist Love program were getting subsidized health care. "We are spoiling our young people when health care is given to them with no profit," states Lewis, "our program works best when malnutrition is combined with a healthy dose of disease."
New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/09/17/us/17poverty.html?_r=1&hp
Friday, August 6, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Will you Moloch the Plutocracy?
Bobacus: And the Plutocracy is?
DonJon: Of course, the technical definition of a plutocracy is a government of the few, typically the wealthy. The Plutocracy is also a mindset that cherishes money over the foundations of freedom, liberty and justice. A mindset that has commodified our unalienable rights, Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness, and put them on the auction block for the highest bidder.
DonJon: Not in the way you suggest. Moloch the Plutocracy is about sacrificing the mindset that puts profit above people. We live in a world of abundance that has been privatized and capitalized into scarcity to maximize profit at the expense of people. This is the mindset that I seek we change.
DonJon: He is the father of modern media. He was the first to predict a 'global village' and define how media effected our daily lives. He also warned of the looming control of media by the corporate citizen. He is a sort of Oracle for the MoRevolution.
DonJon: McLuhan claimed it is the, "medium that shapes and controls the scale and form of human association and action." Therefore those that control the medium control the message. The medium that is shaping our future is the ubiquitous connections made via digital communications; the internet, cell phones, and social media. The struggle is using these connections to advance Human condition rather than the profits of the corporate citizen. Today all our connections are mediated by the corporate citizen. The MoRevolution is the struggle for control of these connections.
DonJon: We have been trained to act as individuals, the corporate citizen earns the highest profit when we consume individually. Their marketing promotes the individual over community action. It is simply more profitable.
DonJon: When the people understand that individualism is achieved by controlling the economic influences of their lives rather than the brands they purchase. The cooperative movement is making big advances in our communities, but they lack sufficient investment to gain the momentum needed to achieve the power of the capitalists.
DonJon: As for a MoNation... I have no comment.
Bobacus: You have put a call to arms for all Digital Bohemians. What is a Digital Bohemian?
DonJon: The Digital Bohemian is the trench soldier in the MoRevolution. They are the Artists, thinkers, wanderers, and adventurers that have the social connections, knowledge, and desire to force change. They are the Artist that hold the mirror to society.
DonJon: Art is interpreted by the viewer, the artist merely presents the view. But, I feel that it will reflect a society on the verge of breaking, one that is losing the vision of original intent, whose purpose has been compromised by greed and personal interest. I happen to believe that the founding of America was a gift of divine intent. Never before has a nation been formed around such truth as this, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. I do not believe the mirror will reflect this truth.
Friday, July 23, 2010
MoBus Size Attributed to DonJon's Small Penis
Chelsea Hotel (MP) - DonJonVonavich HRH King of the MOs, referred to as DonJon by his friends and foes, has issued a statement denying rumors that the size of the new MoBus confirms he has a diminutive penis. DonJon's MoBoho RoadShow - The MoBeg'n Tour will depart Austin, Texas in a 1988 Prevost H560, at a length of 60 feet, it is the longest tour bus ever manufactured.
The MeBeg'n Tour is produced by MoRoadtrip, Inc., a Cooperative Corporation that creates road trip events referred to as "Living Art on the Road." The projects are developed and supported by teams of shareholder artists and produced, documented and distributed by MoRoadtrip. All MoRoadtrip projects are dedicated to developing connection, cooperation, and community.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
DonJon Releases Curriculum Vitae Absurdum
For Immediate Release
Handled Messiahs Public Relations
Harry Martini, PRG
DonJon Declares Himself, "Artist of the Generation."
DonJon's 'Living Art' projects include The Last Great American Roadtrip. Created in 2008, DonJon took 21 Artist 21 days across America on a vintage tour bus dubbed the MoFurthur. DonJon has created two living art spaces titled the Chestnut Commons and the Aristocrat Caravaner Society, both created entirely of found junk. The CVA also includes his work in oil painting, journalism, and community development projects.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Congress Enacts National Pee-in-a-Cup Day
Chelsea Hotel (MP) - The United States Congress has enacted National Pee-in-a-Cup-Day to be observed every July 3rd. "The day before the greatest declaration of Independence for Human Being is a perfect time for patriots to offer their posterity," declared Speaker of the House, Harry "Mumbling Idiot" Reed. The President "Hopie" Obama, has concurred, "the urine of this Great Nation provides hope for the afterbirth of all future patriots."
National P-in-a-Cup-Day will offer all Americans free entrance to any national, state, or local park, public building and facility, and participating corporate sponsor lobby to urinate freely in portable toilets provided by the newly formed Department of Urination, which reports to the Department of Homeland Security.
In a related annoucement, Publicist to DonJonVonavich HRH King of the MOs, Harry Martini, founder of Handled Messiahs PR, offered DonJon's reaction, "This will 'piss off' many American patriots... I fear the rise of a Urinary-Industrial Complex."
It is uncertain how these developments will effect DonJon's MoBoho RoadShow - The MoBeg'n Tour. Cheney has offered to contribute a Department of Urination approved Porta-Potty for the MoBus.
Examiner.com: Republicans block unemployment benefits extension for lazy drug addicted breeding hobos
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Hunter S. Thompson to be 'On the MoBus'
Chelsea Hotel (MP) - DonJonVonavich HRH King of the MOs, referred to as DonJon by his friends and foes, has announced that Hunter S. Thompson will be joining the MoBeg'n Tour in Las Vegas. "He is ready for MoFear & Loathing with DonJon and the Merry Molochsters," reports Harry Martini, long time publicist to DonJon. Reportedly Thompson died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head in 2005. "He does look a little rough, but I figured he was just coming off a bender," stated Martini.
The MeBeg'n Tour is produced by MoRoadtrip, Inc., a Cooperative Corporation that creates road trip events referred to as "Living Art on the Road." The projects are developed and supported by teams of shareholder artists and produced, documented and distributed by MoRoadtrip. All MoRoadtrip projects are dedicated to the development of a Sustainable Cooperative Economy.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Press Release - MoBeg'n Tour
For Immediate Release
Handled Messiahs Public Relations
Harry Martini, PRG
DonJon to be 'On the Road' for Summer of MoBeg'n.
The MoBeg'n Tour will travel on a vintage 60 foot 1988 Prevost touring coach with travel stage. The new MoBus will be christened the MoRevenge and hand painted in route. A troupe videographer will capture the full performances and background activity. Additionally, each troupe member will have a personal video camera to capture individual content. As the troupe drives between performance sites they will work with the home support team to locate camp locations and show venues, edit and post video content, and promote the upcoming show.
The MeBeg'n Tour is produced by MoRoadtrip, Inc., a Cooperative Corporation that creates road trip events referred to as "Living Art on the Road." The projects are developed and supported by teams of shareholder artists and produced, documented and distributed by MoRoadtrip. All MoRoadtrip projects are dedicated to the development of a Sustainable Cooperative Economy.
The Itinerary will include the following stops among many along the road:
Search for the Marfa Ghost Lights - Marfa, TXThe MoRoad to Juarez - Juarez, MEXGrand Canyon National ParkMoFear & Loathing In Las Vegas - Las Vegas, NV
Joshua Tree National Park,
Death Vally National Park, AZ
Yosemite National ParkMeet the MoBohos - Bohemian Grove Summer Encampment Monte Rio, CA
Burning Man and Beyond - Black Rock Desert, NVDonJon's Donner Party - Mystery Meat BBQ - Donner National Park
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Hedonism Mitch - Give Mitch a Piece!
Monday, May 24, 2010
Quentin Tarantino Announces Next Film Tales of DonJon
Sunday, May 23, 2010
BP Using Late Paleocene Period Technology for Mass Extinction
Hayward hinted at BP plans in a lecture at Stanford Business School in 2009, declaring, "We had too many people that were working to save the world. We no longer waste our efforts on such trivial altruism, rather I have all hands focused on developing BP World."
Alternet - Could the Largest Oil Drilling Catastrophe Also End up the Largest Natural Gas and Climate Disaster in Recent History?
Alternet - Why Aren't We Using the Safest and Most Effective Dispersants in the Gulf?Huffington Post - BP CEO Hayward, "We had too many people working to save the world."