Corporations Seek Designation as Species

Chelsea Hotel (MP)- Not satisfied with being designated “persons” under the Fourteenth Amendment of the United States Constitution, a consortium of wealthy corporate citizens are aggressively petitioning the International Commission on Zoological Nomenclature (ICZN) to be designated their own species under the name Homo corporatus.

The Global Organization for the Designation of Specieshood, Inc., or GODS for short, has been concerned about the recent spate of corporate bashing and class warfare coming from the "lowest order of Homo sapiens" throughout the developed world. 

“It’s time for our taxonomic designation to change; we are not Sapiens,” stated Walmart “Sir Wally GX” G.E. ExxonMobil, Chairman and Chief Spokesperson for GODS. “Homo Corportus has a far greater intellect, are far more efficient procreators, and are at the top of the food chain. We can, and will, consume everything on the planet, and no other species can stop us, including our little Sapien cousins,” Sir Wally GX added firmly.    

The United States Supreme Court has shown significant deference to GODS petition of species designation for Homo corportus through numerous rulings, including the recent Citizens United decision. The decision turned over one hundred years of financial repression by Homo sapiens.

“The Jim Crow Inc. campaign finance regulations that Sapiens used to stop Homo corportus from speaking at the polls have ended,” declared Supreme Court Justice Clarence “Silent Minority” Thomas.  

Republican Nominee for President, Mitt “Insert Nickname Here” Romney, commented on GODS petition for corporate specieshood, “I stand corrected. Corporations are not people, they are a species unto themselves, my friend.”

The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has been rushing to update environmental regulations to protect the Homo corporatus habitat in the event the designation is approved. “There are numerous species that have endangered the habitat of Homo corporatus. One of the most egregious offenders is Strix occidentalis, commonly known as the Spotted Owl,” stated an EPA spokesperson. “That Owl is a real asshole.”

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