Obama Supports "Buffet Rule," Says, "Greedy Over Loading Their Plate"

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - In a direct assault on the greedy, President Obama has announced his support for the "Buffet Rule." Speaking in Boca Raton, Florida, the President said, "Americans are tired of getting to the 'all you can eat' buffet to find only crusty serving pans and cold Brussels sprouts. All Americans want a full plate of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and green beans... but some fat ass has taken it all."

Concerned that the corpulent Governor of New Jersey, Chris Christi, will enter the Republican primary and become the nominee, the President has made his "All You Can Eat Buffet Rule" maximum of one plate piled no higher than four inches a center piece of his campaign. "Look, I want folks to get fat in this country," Mr. Obama said. "I think it's wonderful when people are over stuffed. That's part of the American Dream, to be fat, drunk, and stupid. But, there's a right way to go through a buffet line."

It is reported that the President will also take on overly cheerful waiters that write their name on the table top.


Links:
New York Times: Obama Goes on Offensive Over Taxes on Wealthy

Romney Proposes All Americans Get Swiss Bank Account

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - Republican Presidential candidate, Mitt "Insert Nickname Here" Romney has proposed a solution to the American financial crisis. In a town hall meeting in Splügen, Switzerland, a municipality in the district of Hinterrhein in the Swisscanton of Graubünden, Romney promised all Americans will have "a Swiss bank account in every portfolio and a Cadillac at every home when I become President of the Confederation... ahh, United States."

Reciting his acumen in business, he assured the crowd of seven hikers and three milkmaids that his Swiss bank account is the reason his family has stayed above water in this "difficult tax environment." "It has worked for me, and I it will work for all Americans," stated Romney, asking the crowd "does President Obama have a Swiss bank account? I submit he wouldn't even know where to open one... Is this the kind of president you want?"

More on Romney's Swiss Bank Account

Global Warming Retiring at Top of Game, Breaks 15,000 Temperature Records in March

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - Global Warming has officially announced it's retirement from global destruction after racking up an impressive 15,000 American warm temperature records in March alone. "I'm going out at the top of my game," stated Global Warming, adding, "nothing can top that, I'm the Greatest."

Record and near-record breaking temperatures dominated the eastern two-thirds of the nation and contributed to the warmest March on record for the contiguous United States, a record that dates back to 1895. More than 15,000 warm temperature records were broken during the month. The average temperature of 51.1°F was 8.6 degrees above the 20th century average for March.

Global Warming was the leading contender to take the planet out in 2012 and its retirement will leave a large void in the race for Global Destruction 2012. The odds on favorite after Global Warming's unexpected retirement is Nuclear Fallout. Global destruction pundits believe Nuclear Fallout's comeback in 2011 with the Fukushima roundhouse proves that it's still a contender for the title. "Nuclear Fallout hasn't been a major contender since Chernobyl in 1986, but Fukushima proved its back strong," states Famine, the retired antediluvian global destroyer, now an anchor on ESPN's Apocalypse Center. He added, "I still wouldn't count out Global Warming, this may be a ploy for a big comeback later in the season."

U.S. records warmest March; more than 15,000 warm temperature records broken

SCOTUS, Inc to Partner with Healthcare Industrial Complex Corp

"This whole discussion is not about the Human right to life, but rather who will control it. "  DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - In an announcement that is certain to rock the  Unalienable Rights Mercantile Exchange (RitesX), SCOTUS, Inc. has announced a partnership with Healthcare Industrial Complex Corp (HICC) that will establish near total control over the unalienable right-to-life of American citizens. Details of the partnership are expected to be released in June of this year.

The partnership will enable unalienable right-to-life contracts to be bundled into traunches by life expectancy and traded on the RitesX. Currently, right-to-life contracts are traded by gender, race, and income, but the new partnership enables large bundles of life expectancy to be traded without details on gender, race, or income. "The new sub-right-to-life contracts create a more secure financial enviroment for traders," stated Antonin "Tone Deaf" Scalia, "by bundling sub-prime lives with higher-quality lives the risk of monetary loss is greatly reduced."

Right-to-life ratings agencies are expected to bless the contracts with a AAA rating allowing them to be purchased by major pension funds and other retirement funds targeting the elderly. "One's right-to-life cannot go on forever," stated Scalea, "The rating agencies know this." 

Right-to-life futures surged on the RitesX after the SCOTUS, Inc. announcement.  The price of 78 year maturity Right-to-life Futures Contracts (78-Lives) jumped 21% on Friday. At the RiteX Opening Bell the price of 78-Lives futures contracts were $19,821, by the closing they had jumped to $21,821.  Traders were betting on the partnership between SCOTUS and HICC to add large profits to the bottom line by reducing the burden of extending citizens right-to-life beyond 78 years, the current US life expectancy: the lowest in the industrialized world.

Right-to-life Commodities Trader, Rufus Tufus, was in the trading pit, "None'a dese fools gonna live past 78... we in da money, dog... crazy fuck'rs ain't gonna extend no mo right-to-life... cost to damn much!  CHA CHING Mu'thur Fuck'rrr."

In a related statement, DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, offered, "This whole discussion is not about the Human right of life, but rather who will control it." 

DonJon Releases Episodic Novel, Claims Greatest Ever Written

NOTICE: THIS DOCUMENT HAS BEEN REDACTED BY HOMELAND SECURITY

For Immediate Release

Handled Messiahs Public Relations

Harry Martini, PRG

DonJon Releases Episodic Novel, Claims Greatest Ever Written

In a long awaited and highly anticipated announcement, DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, has released Episode One of The KING of MO: An Autobiography of a Dream. The episodic novel will be available exclusively on Amazon Kindle Prime for $2.99 and in their lending library free to Prime members.

Published by the Molocratic Press, the story is set in the infamous Chelsea Hotel beginning in 2000 where DonJon, a self-indulgent, dream-addicted Bohemian, finds his way into the Multiverse and discovers the truth behind the power pulling the strings on Earth. Meanwhile, Kyle 123456, a bankrupt social-climbing plutocrat, struggles as his new poverty-imposed Bohemian life overwhelms his aristocratic past. After DonJon encounters Kyle's dreams in a parallel dimension of the Multiverse, the duo teams up to overthrow G.R.E.E.D., a powerful consortium of long dead emperors, kings, feudal lords, dictators, robber barons, politicos, and cronies that control Humanity, including -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

DonJon describes the book as “an episodic dreamographical novel.” explaining, “unlike a typical novel, the events are entirely 100% factual and took place in one of the many parallel dimensions we inhabit.” Furthur claiming, “it’s the greatest Homeric epic ever written... that is a fact, Homer himself collaborated on it.” Other collaborators on the episodic novel are The Merry Molochsters, DonJon’s loosely disorganized group of friends, benefactors, and lovers, Max Penmark, Editor Extraordinaire, and Jace Toronto, Editor Perfectionaire.

The first to submit a critical review was Roger Turgid, Editor at XXXLarge of Moloch the Plutocracy, "DonJon is a deluded idiot... He should have kept his skinny ass out of the Multiverse and let Kyle continue to pursue his dream of being a capitalist champion.” Turgid qualified his review by adding, “In the interest of full disclosure, DonJon is my boss."

DonJon claims all six episodes of The KING of MO will be published by election day 2012, adding, “it’s the end of the World and I have a lot to finish before I’m finished.”

DonJonVonavich HRH KING of MO - Curriculum Vitae Absurdum

The KING of MO: An Autobiography of a Dream (Episode One - Prelude to a Dream)

Send all Press Inquiries to:

Handled Messiahs Public Relations

Harry Martini, PRG

modonjon@gmail.com

405.466.5624

###

(388 painstakingly elaborated words)

The Fable of The Lord of MisRule.

Origin: In England, the Lord of Misrule — known in Scotland as the Abbot of Unreason and in France as the Prince des Sots — was an officer appointed by lot at Christmas to preside over the Feast of Fools. The Lord of Misrule was generally a peasant or sub-deacon appointed to be in charge of Christmas revelries, which often included drunkenness and wild partying, in the pagan tradition of Saturnalia.

Legacy of DonJon’s Masquerade of Fools: The first Masquerade of Fools in 2010 at the historic Aristocrat Caravaner Society was well attended by many masked fools. At 2am the first Lord of MisRule would be anointed. Igor Postrekhin, the poster child for fools worldwide, was the odds on favorite. With beer can goggles and a gut that would make Chicago Bears fans proud, he was slugging loaded shots from Trojan Magnum condoms. It appeared there was no greater fool and he would breeze into the cherished lordship.


But, the party took a auspicious turn when an unknown fool walked in off the street. Simply dressed and without the requisite mask, he proceeded to consume levels of intoxicants beyond any known medical capacity. He danced, sang, and stumbled through several hours of raucous revelry. But clearly, Poster Child Postrekhin was not threatened by this "simple fool". The favorite had been flinging his loaded condoms high into the air landing them on the heads of revelers. Everyone knew he was the biggest fool.


The unknown fool continued his foolish consumption until he passed out in the old Sega Out Run under the steps. He had captured the attention of the crowd, but his foolishness was short lived. Or so they thought. Surprisingly he stumbled from his coma, mounted the deck and jumped into the crowd surfing above the party to wild cheers. He had captured the heart of the revelers and it appeared the unknown fool was back.  The Story Continues Below the Fold

Noam Chomsky Espouses Virtues of American Capitalism on NBC

Chelsea Hotel (MP) -  In a recent interview on NBC, Noam Chomsky, Professor (Emeritus) in the Department of Linguistics & Philosophy at MIT, explains how the "Invisible Hand of the Market" is a natural law that can never be broken. 

How Capitalism Enters the Host Body

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - A new study published by MoBoho University on how capitalist rhetoric enters the Human host body has been released. The research study was completed by the MoBoho University Dean of Capitalist Antiquities, Professor Freemarket R. Nonsense. In the study, sophist capitalist rhetoric was injected into dried Ramen noodles and filmed as it was digested by the body.   The study found that when the rhetoric is taken orally the digestive system of certain poorly informed host Humans are unable to break it down and pass it through the anal canal.

London Attacks Free Speech Free Market, Futures Prices Tumble

"Our free speech is being sold to the highest bidder, liberty be damned."  DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - London's attack on the free speech free market intensified with the arrest of four current and former journalists from The Sun on suspicion of bribing police. It is the second Rupert Murdoch publication to be targeted by the British government in an attempt to regulate the free market in free speech.


Free speech futures tumbled on the Unalienable Rights Mercantile Exchange (RitesX) after news of the arrests. The price of 90 minute Unrestricted Free Speech Futures Contracts (90FreeSpees) were down 21% by the closing bell on Saturday trading. Traders were nervous that the free speech industry will be burdened with further government regulation on the purchase and resale of free speech.

At the RitesX Opening Bell the price of 90FreeSpees contracts were $222,821.23, by the closing they had dropped to $200,831.23.  Free Speech Commodities Trader, Rufus Tufus, was in the trading pit, "da speech Nazis are at it again... Fool, I been short'n free speech sense those occupy fools been flood'n da market... I'm in da money, Dowg... !  Occupy My Asshole Mu'thur Fuck'rrr."

Traders scramble to sell as the price of Free Speech Tumbles on the RitesX

RitesX Commissioner, Former President George "Waterboy" Bush, stated, "he he, free markets...  he he, free speech... only way... freedom, free markets... right Dick... Dick... DICK, where did Dick go?"

In a related statement, DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, offered, "Our free speech is being sold to the highest bidder, liberty be damned." 

NOTES:

Huffington Post -Sun Employees Arrested

Guitar Lesson for Dummies from Buckethead

DonJon New American Gigolo on CBS

"I still think Harry Martini Trucker Whore was a better idea for CBS primetime," Harry Martini, publicist to DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - CBS has announced a new one hour weekly series staring DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of this pamphlet.


The new series titled, DonJon Texas Walker, is set in Austin, Texas.  DonJon plays the part of a "New American Gigolo" in the weird central Texas town where he is contracted by wealthy older society ladies to service their personal needs.
CBS has stated that the primeime series "will be a big hit with the Golden Girls fans."

In each episode DonJon is faced with the challenge of keeping the ladies of Texas shown, stuffed, and sated.  "DonJon off screen experience as the Chairman of the Certified Vagina Whisperers Association has proven a treasure trove of content for our script writers," claims the CBS spokesperson.  


DonJon was not available for comment, but his Publicist, Harry Martini of Handled Messiahs Public Relations, provided the following statement:


"DonJon is proud to bring his experience into living rooms of American families each Thursday at 8:00 EST.  But, I still think Harry Martini Trucker Whore was a better idea for CBS primetime."

Fox Bernard Goldberg Suggest Monument to the Money Changers

Bernard Goldberg Attacks Senator Sanders and Calls for 'Big Bronze and Granite Monument' to Honor the Rich

An Irishman abroad tells it like it is !! :-)

More MoBus on the Strip in Las Vegas

Landmark NYC Hotel Chelsea Up for Sale, Is DonJon a Buyer?

Too Large to Fail Banks Acquire Too Small to Save Homeowners

"The banks manipulated the so called free market with their out-weighted influence in the mortgage industry and American Homeowners are paying the price in foreclosed homes, lost jobs, and devastated families,"  DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - In response to the mortgage foreclosure crisis the Too Large to Fail Banking Syndicate, commonly referred to as the FailSafe, has confirmed they will no longer put families out of their homes.  The new foreclosure procedure announced by the syndicate allows home owners to stay in their homes as indentured servants to the mortgage holder.  

Goldman Sachs O'Money, Bank of We Own America, JPMorgan Chase If You Want It Back, and Merrill Lynch Anyone That Tries makes up the FailSafe Syndicate developing the Indentured Families Fund that will hold the assets.  "The Indentured Families Fund is a win win for both homeowners and banks, families stay in their homes and the banks acquire added security in the form of Human assets," stated Jamie "TopGun" Dimon, CEO and chairman of JPMorgan Chase If You Want It Back.

The failure to properly document many mortgages during the Housing Inflation Program, commonly referred to as the housing bubble, has informed the FailSafe to take precautions documenting the acquisition of their new human assets.  "We are looking to our colonial forebears for our legal precedent." claims Dimon, "indentured servitude is a proven pathway to the American dream, we are proud to help these families once again."  The families will be required to serve the FailSafe Syndicate in maintaining the vast residential holdings that make up their Plutocratic Land Patent.  It is estimated that the FailSafe Syndicate controls nearly 60% of all residential property via their mortgage holdings. 

The FailSafe was responsible for the inflation in home prices resulting in the rash of homeowner defaults by approving mortgages of any individual that told sufficient lies to support the loan request.  Dimon explains, "the free market can assess the truth and value it, we saw no need to ask prying questions such as income verification."  

One of the most aggressive mortgage vehicles was the Crackhead Liars Loan, "we found a very profitable market in crackheads," claims Dimon, "they were the most convincing liars, repeat borrowers, and take any amount we approved on their homes."  It is unsure how the FailSafe will handle tweaking crackheads within the Indentured Homeowners Fund.

Wall Street Investment Banking firm Goldman Sachs O'Money has announced plans to create Indentured Servant Backed Securities.  Goldman CEO and Grand Master of the Multiverse, Lloyd "BlankCheck" Blankfein, confirmed, "We will parse the assets into various baskets of indentured servants depending on skills and ability and sell them to the same unwitting buyers of our mortgage securities."  

 

Asked for comment, DonJon, Eccentric Publisher of this pamphlet stated, "The banks manipulated the so called free market with their out-weighted influence in the mortgage industry and American Homeowners are paying the price in foreclosed homes, lost jobs, and devastated families."

NOTES:

Alternet: http://www.alternet.org/economy/148520/foreclosure_fraud:_wall_street_cheats_the_middle_class_again/

Angelina Jolie's Purported Old Drug Dealer Tells All About Her Heroin & Cocaine Habit

dennisrs:



Why would you think that a drug dealer would be any less honest then, lets say, an actor or lawyer or butcher. I lived next door to Frank in the Chelsea Hotel when I first moved in. Although, I never saw her, it was widely known in the Chelsea community that Frank's celebrity clients included Angelina. One night I came home and the DEA was taking him away, the hallway piled with his things, including guns. Frank was well liked in the Hotel. I assume Angelina either found a new dealer or kicked.



Best,



DonJon.

Eccentric Publisher, Moloch the Plutocracy

http://mol­ochtheplut­ocracy.us
About Angelina Jolie
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Hopie Says Nopie to Dopie

"Woa dude, I'm way too fucked up to comment,"  DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - 

Attorney General Eric "MC AG" Holder says the federal government will enforce its marijuana laws in California even if voters next month make the state the first in the nation to legalize the drug. "Yo Yo, President Hopie has said nopie to dopie," stated Holder.

The Justice Department strongly opposes California's Proposition 19 and remains firmly committed to enforcing the federal Controlled Substances Act in all states, Holder wrote in a letter to former Drug Czars.  "We will enforce the CSA, against my homies in LA, and the big ass state of CA. This bro ain't no DJ, I'm the General of the DA, with a loud mighty PA... we don't care about no MDMA, no E, no O, no H, no K, GHB, 2CB, 2C1PDA or CCC.  The law is calling me to stop the THC."

If California's voting stoners approve the ballot measure, the state would become the first to legalize and regulate recreational dro, cronic, mowie wowie, purple haze, afgani, amsterdam gold, special K, white rino, white skunk, hardy brown eye, juicy jumble weed, lickity split, green sanchez, turd blossom special, and other strains of cannabis with dumb ass names.  Adults could possess up to one ounce of the drug and grow small gardens on private property.

He said the ballot measure's passage would "significantly undermine" efforts to keep California communities safe.  The recent government study titled Refer Madness 3D, paints a horrifying picture of teens on pot, gasping for air with laughter, thinking of mind numbing ideas, and glorifying how stoned they are. 

In a statement released by DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of the Pamphlet, he stated, "Woa dude, I'm way too fucked up to comment," DonJon.
  

NOTES:

New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2010/10/15/us/AP-US-Marijuana-Legalization-Justice.html?_r=1&hp

Peter Joseph, Director of Zeitgeist, Talks About Economic Collapse

I think this is worth the time for everyone.  Peter has a solid grasp on what is coming our way.

Listen to internet radio with Peter Joseph on Blog Talk Radio

Churlish Captain Capitalism Saves Miners in Mere 69 Days

"The Churlish Captain Capitalism has lost his mind if he thinks this human disaster is a victory for Capitalism. These miners were working a dangerous job at low wages to make assholes like him rich.  It is the typical capitalist story of wage slavery."  DonJon.

(READER NOTE: This article is in response to an opinion post in the Wall Street Journal titled, Capitalism Saved Miners, by Daniel Henninger)


Chelsea Hotel (MP) - The Churlish Captain Capitalism & Executive Sidekick, Dale the Driller, saved the Chilean miners using their free-market super hero tools.  "It needs to be said," stated The Captain, "The rescue is a smashing victory for free-market capitalism and myself.  It may seem churlish of me, but then again, I am the Churlish Captain Capitalism."  


Thirty three miners working in the San Jose mine owned by Compania Minera San Esteban were rescued after 69 days.  The timing corresponded with the quarterly reporting for the company, "We felt it would improve stockholder return to have our human resources out by the end of the quarter," stated a spokesperson for the corporation, adding, "The market doesn't respond well to dead miners."


The Churlish Captain Capitalism, sporting his double Center Cock drill heads, used for down-the-hole hammer drilling, was able to penetrate the miners enclosed space.  "The Chilean miners have never experienced down-the-hole hammer drilling the Capitalist way," declared the Captain.



Stating that capitalism is the hero in the saga of the Chilean miners, the Captain offered, "The Capitalist exploitation = shareholder profit = innovation dynamic was everywhere at that Chilean mine.  The mine owners have already secured licensing rights to the folk songs they wrote while waiting to die."


Dale the Driller, Executive Sidekick to the Churlish Captain Capitalism, used capitalist super hero drilling techniques to reach the miners.  After completing the down-the-hole hammer drilling, the miners were strapped into a harness inside a 21-inch-wide bullet-shaped capsule.  They wore green moisture-resistant Nike track suits and Oakley sunglasses provided by the sponsors of the rescue.

Exclaiming the success of the rescue as a victory for Capitalism, the Captain claimed, "If those miners had been trapped a half-mile down like this 35 years ago, this Banana Republic would have had to use bed sheets tied together.  But rampant Capitalism in Chile, thanks to a patriotic CIA who secretly placed the revered Augusto Pinochet in power, provided these miners with this profitable rescue experience."  

The miners concurred that the great success of Capitalism had impacted their lives.  "It was Capitalism that gave me the opportunity of spending 55 years of my life underground," Mario Gómez, the oldest of the miners at 64, declared."  In a show of appreciation, The miners came out of the mine singing the Anthem of Capitalism,

We love you Capitalism
Oh yes we do
We love you Capitalism
And will be true!
When you're give'n it to us
A hardy screw!
Oh, Capitalism, we love you....  

In a show of Capitlist love the newly freed miners were given socks before reporting by to work to make up for lost time on the job.

In a statement released by DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of the Pamphlet, he stated, "The Churlish Captain of Capitalism has lost his mind if he thinks this human disaster is a victory for Capitalism. These miners were working a dangerous job at low wages to make assholes like him rich.  It is the typical capitalist story of wage slavery." 

NOTES:

Wall Street Journal, Capitalism Saved Miners, by Daniel Henninger: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703673604575550322091167574.html

New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/15/world/americas/15copiapo.html?src=mv

The Business Insider: http://www.businessinsider.com/time-for-everyone-to-cash-in-on-the-chilean-miners-saga-2010-10

US Intervention in Chile, Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States_intervention_in_Chile

Judge Over Rules Military "It's Only Gay if You Take it" Policy

"It is hard to believe that people are still judging personal sex lives?  Get over it children, it is all very normal."  DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - A federal judge issued a worldwide injunction Tuesday immediately stopping enforcement of the military's long held policy on homosexuality, "it's only gay if you take it."  The ruling allows those that take it in-the-ass to openly serve their fellow troops.  U.S. District Judge Virginia "Fag Hag" Phillips' landmark ruling also ordered the government to allow federal workers to take it in-the-ass openly.  She stated, "their are givers and takers in every exchange, now the 'ass-takers' can publicly and patriotically be reamed." 


The Chairman of The Joint Chiefs of Staff, Adm. Mike "Butt Sniffer" Mullen, the military's top uninformed officer, decried the decision, "The American People don't have a right to know they have... ah hum... who has been taking it in-the-ass from the Joint Chiefs."  The President, Barak "Hopie" Obama, supported the ruling.  Speaking to an assembly of The Union of Federal Ass-takers in Government Service (U-FAGS) stated, "U-FAGS can now proudly and openly take it in-the-ass for the country."  Laughing he added, "I understand, I have privately taken it in-the-ass many times since becoming President... like the entire health care lobby."

U.S. Department of Justice attorneys have 60 days to appeal. Pentagon and Department of Justice officials said they are reviewing the case and had no immediate comment.  The injunction goes into effect immediately, said Dan "Lumbering" Woods, the attorney who represented the Log Cabin Republican Ass-Takers for Christ, the right wing Christian fundimentalist ass-takers rights group that filed the lawsuit in 2004 to stop the policy's enforcement.

"'It's only gay if you take it,' is done, and the government is going to have to come up with another qualifier for gayness," Woods said. "This is an extremely significant, historic decision. Once and for all, this failed policy is stopped. Fortunately now we hope all Americans who wish to take it-in-the-ass for their country can do so openly."

Supporters of the policy said Phillips overstepped her bounds.  "The judge ignored the evidence to impose her ill-informed and biased opinion on our military, endangering morale, health and security of our military at a time of occupation of oil rich territory in the Middle East," said Wendy "No K-Y for me"  Wright, Sphincter Monitor of Concerned Women for America Who Want Even Touch Their Own Ass, a women's group on public ass-taking policy. 

Defense Secretary Robert Gates, has said he supports lifting the "it's only gay if you take it" policy. But Gates also has said he prefers to move slowly, "I don't take it, I give it, and good, very good and slow in-the-ass."  Gates has ordered a sweeping study, due Dec. 1, that includes a survey of troops and their families regarding in-the-ass habits, "The study is exciting.  I am looking forward to knowing if they likes it in-the-ass... yes, do they like it in-the-ass... tell me, tell how much they like it in-the-ass."

In a statement released by DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of the Pamphlet, he stated, "It is hard to believe that people are still judging personal sex lives?  Get over it children, it is all very normal." 

NOTES:

New York Times: http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2010/10/12/us/AP-US-Gays-in-Military.html?_r=1&hp