Thursday, April 19, 2012

MoBreaking News - Michelle Bachmann Obama's Tar Baby Mama



MoBreaking News



Chelsea Hotel (MP) - In a stunning admission, Congress Woman Michelle Bachmann confirmed that she was Obama's Tar Baby Mama. "Yes, I'm having his tar baby," Bachmann confirmed, "our President has cum to our position, drill baby drill." There has been no official confirmation from the White House, but it is believed that Mrs. Bachmann's statement is truthful.

Congress Bachmann ran for the Republican nomination on a platform of increased drilling for tar babies to reduce the flow of wetback babies. "I will personally drill baby drill to increase the tar babies in America," Bachmann promised on the stump. Bachmann's husband and the First Lady have not made a public statement on the revelations.

STAY TUNED FOR MORE ON THIS MoBREAKNG STORY







BP Labs Announce Breakthrough in Food Chain, Engineer Modification of Species


Chelsea Hotel (MP) - The research division of BP, p.l.c., the British petroleum company, has been carrying out major environmental research and experimentation in the Gulf of Mexico for decades. But, a recent announcement by BP reports that their efforts have paid off in major advances in the food chain that promises to improve life for all Humans.

"We have altered the food chain in ways that advance the quality of life for everyone," stated Tony Hayward, the former BP CEO, "I am pleased that I am able to be a small part of advancing the cause of life." Hayward resigned as CEO in 2010 to head the BP Deepwater Horizon Environmental Research and Redevelopment Project based in the Gulf of Mexico.

The announcement claims advances have been made in the genetic alteration of species that provide practical solutions to everyday food chain problems. Hayward explains, "for instance, we have modified gulf shrimp to eliminate their eyes. The shrimping industry is very excited about this, it will improve their daily catch, because shrimp will no longer see the nets and swim for it."

They have also engineered crabs without claws, claiming it increases the succulent meat in the heads of eatable crab species. In addition to black grilled lobster, BP has engineered the growth of cancerous tumors on many fish in the food chain of the gulf region. "Cancerous fish tumors are a rare delicacy that before our research was only available to the very rich," states Hayward, "now everyone can enjoy fish cancer."

BP is working closely with Obama administration officials in the USDA to clear the new species modifications for consumption in the US. In an official statement, the USDA stated, "We are proud of the work that BP has done in the gulf improving the food chain. The USDA will work closely with BP to reduce the barriers in allowing these great advancements on our dinner tables."



http://www.alternet.org/environment/155032/eyeless_shrimp_and_fish_with_tumors%3A_the_horrific_consequences_of_bp%27s_spill/



Monday, April 16, 2012

Pulitzer Prize for Fiction Withheld in Anticipation of DonJon's Epic Novel




Chelsea Hotel (MP) - In an unexpected move the Pulitzer Board withheld awarding a winner in the 2012 fiction category, announcing they had not come to a majority decision on the three finalists. But sources close to the Pulitzer Board claim they became aware that DonJon had just released the first episode of The KING of MO, An Autobiography of a Dream and delayed their decision in anticipation of entering it into the competition.

Max Penmark, Editor Extraordinaire, and collaborator on DonJon's self-declared "greatest English language epic ever written" offered this statement:

" 'I will go for the dream that Artists will rule the world'

The King of Mo draws you in. There's no other way to put it. From the very first quote, a promise of ambition that throws the gauntlet down from the very first page, you know that you're in the hands of an author with vision. An author with a vision that reaches not just across our society, but our history. Not just across our world, but our universe. Not just across our reality, but across our very dreams.

The King of Mo tells the world like it is. In the face of a crumbling capitalism, and the depressed, disappointing result that it has begat, it tells us of a reality and a promise and a future that stretches beyond all that: a future that harkens back to a glorious past, where art rules and the idea of bohemianism continues to reign.

In a few chapters, our protagonists Kyle and Don Jon are put into motion. Kyle, I don't know about yet: a formerly wealthy now bohemian, he's still finding his footing. But Don Jon is a vision: an immediately unique character that embodies the spirit of the Hotel Chelsea in a living, breathing way from his very first moment.

If artistry isn't you thing, no worries. It continues: into the Multiverse, a dream world that takes the promise of the first few chapters and gives it a scope that's unimaginable from the first lines of the story.

And I guess that's the point. In three chapters, this opening prologue takes us from the a fascinating earthly story steeped in cultural history that feels mostly forgotten in our modern age to an inter dimensional visionary tale that unfolds organically. Depth and breadth, it leaves you wanting more, and sometimes overwhelms you with it's scope and vision.

As Don Jon himself says, "The Chelsea is a place to die, to cry, to go on the sly; to lose your mind, your inhibition, your cock ring; a place to find your heart, your soul, yourself... and lose it again; a place to create illusions, impressions, distractions, exultations, hallucinations, obsessions, reflections, redactions, temptations, and, very possibly, grand ovations."

Create your own grand ovations. You won't regret it."


The Pulitzer Board has not offered a statement on the allegations, and refused a request for an interview for this article.

http://www.pulitzer.org/citation/2012-Fiction

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/16/nobody-wins-pulitzer-prize-fiction-2012_n_1429357.html




Thursday, April 12, 2012

Dick Army in Full Frontal Assault on Krotch Brothers




Chelsea Hotel (MP) - In an unexpected move for control of disinformation Chuckles and Davo Krotch, better known as the Krotch Brothers from their vaudeville days, are attempting to take over the Kato Kaelin Institute. Part of the institute is Goebbles FreedomWorks, a fixed markets for the rich/limited government for the people advocacy group.

Goebbles FreedomWorks has enlisted the help of Dick Army, the latest name iteration for the private mercenary company formerly known as Blackwater Worldwide, Xe Services, Academi, and Heavily Armed Assholes Ready to Shit on Your Parade Corporation.

Chuckles and Davo Krotch
A statement from Goebbles FreedomWorks delivered by Dick Army to Krotch Industries and Clownworks said, "As representatives of Goebbles FreedomWorks, a grassroots organization that fights for constitutionally-limited government for the people and individual freedom as defined by our propaganda, we have grave concerns regarding the potential damage to the Gauze of Liberty that will result from the dispute that has erupted between the Board of Directors of the Kato Kaelin Institute and various parties at Krotch Industries and Clownworks."

The Gauze of Liberty referred to in  the statement is a counter intelligence program (COINTELPRO) designed by Dick Army that protects the people from "truth terrorists" by limiting their access to "unpatriotic knowledge."




LINKS:
Huffingtonpost: Koch Brothers Cato Institute Takeover


Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Famed Chelsea Hotel Writer Predicted the Future



Chelsea Hotel (MP) - In 1974 the famed author Arthur C. Clarke predicts the personal computer and the internet in this interview. Clarke lived and worked at the Chelsea Hotel, where he wrote 2001: A Space Odyssey in 1968. He lived to see his prediction come true, passing away in 2008 at the age of 90.




Obama Supports "Buffet Rule," Says, "Greedy Over Loading Their Plate"



Chelsea Hotel (MP) - In a direct assault on the greedy, President Obama has announced his support for the "Buffet Rule." Speaking in Boca Raton, Florida, the President said, "Americans are tired of getting to the 'all you can eat' buffet to find only crusty serving pans and cold Brussels sprouts. All Americans want a full plate of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and green beans... but some fat ass has taken it all."

Concerned that the corpulent Governor of New Jersey, Chris Christi, will enter the Republican primary and become the nominee, the President has made his "All You Can Eat Buffet Rule" maximum of one plate piled no higher than four inches a center piece of his campaign. "Look, I want folks to get fat in this country," Mr. Obama said. "I think it's wonderful when people are over stuffed. That's part of the American Dream, to be fat, drunk, and stupid. But, there's a right way to go through a buffet line."

It is reported that the President will also take on overly cheerful waiters that write their name on the table top.


Links:
New York Times: Obama Goes on Offensive Over Taxes on Wealthy



Monday, April 9, 2012

Romney Proposes All Americans Get Swiss Bank Account



Chelsea Hotel (MP) - Republican Presidential candidate, Mitt "Insert Nickname Here" Romney has proposed a solution to the American financial crisis. In a town hall meeting in Splügen, Switzerland, a municipality in the district of Hinterrhein in the Swisscanton of Graubünden, Romney promised all Americans will have "a Swiss bank account in every portfolio and a Cadillac at every home when I become President of the Confederation... ahh, United States."

Reciting his acumen in business, he assured the crowd of seven hikers and three milkmaids that his Swiss bank account is the reason his family has stayed above water in this "difficult tax environment." "It has worked for me, and I it will work for all Americans," stated Romney, asking the crowd "does President Obama have a Swiss bank account? I submit he wouldn't even know where to open one... Is this the kind of president you want?"

More on Romney's Swiss Bank Account



Global Warming Retiring at Top of Game, Breaks 15,000 Temperature Records in March



Chelsea Hotel (MP) - Global Warming has officially announced it's retirement from global destruction after racking up an impressive 15,000 American warm temperature records in March alone. "I'm going out at the top of my game," stated Global Warming, adding, "nothing can top that, I'm the Greatest."

Record and near-record breaking temperatures dominated the eastern two-thirds of the nation and contributed to the warmest March on record for the contiguous United States, a record that dates back to 1895. More than 15,000 warm temperature records were broken during the month. The average temperature of 51.1°F was 8.6 degrees above the 20th century average for March.

Global Warming was the leading contender to take the planet out in 2012 and its retirement will leave a large void in the race for Global Destruction 2012. The odds on favorite after Global Warming's unexpected retirement is Nuclear Fallout. Global destruction pundits believe Nuclear Fallout's comeback in 2011 with the Fukushima roundhouse proves that it's still a contender for the title. "Nuclear Fallout hasn't been a major contender since Chernobyl in 1986, but Fukushima proved its back strong," states Famine, the retired antediluvian global destroyer, now an anchor on ESPN's Apocalypse Center. He added, "I still wouldn't count out Global Warming, this may be a ploy for a big comeback later in the season."

U.S. records warmest March; more than 15,000 warm temperature records broken


SCOTUS, Inc to Partner with Healthcare Industrial Complex Corp

"This whole discussion is not about the Human right to life, but rather who will control it. "  DonJon.



Chelsea Hotel (MP) - In an announcement that is certain to rock the  Unalienable Rights Mercantile Exchange (RitesX), SCOTUS, Inc. has announced a partnership with Healthcare Industrial Complex Corp (HICC) that will establish near total control over the unalienable right-to-life of American citizens. Details of the partnership are expected to be released in June of this year.

The partnership will enable unalienable right-to-life contracts to be bundled into traunches by life expectancy and traded on the RitesX. Currently, right-to-life contracts are traded by gender, race, and income, but the new partnership enables large bundles of life expectancy to be traded without details on gender, race, or income. "The new sub-right-to-life contracts create a more secure financial enviroment for traders," stated Antonin "Tone Deaf" Scalia, "by bundling sub-prime lives with higher-quality lives the risk of monetary loss is greatly reduced."


Right-to-life ratings agencies are expected to bless the contracts with a AAA rating allowing them to be purchased by major pension funds and other retirement funds targeting the elderly. "One's right-to-life cannot go on forever," stated Scalea, "The rating agencies know this." 

Right-to-life futures surged on the RitesX after the SCOTUS, Inc. announcement.  The price of 78 year maturity Right-to-life Futures Contracts (78-Lives) jumped 21% on Friday. At the RiteX Opening Bell the price of 78-Lives futures contracts were $19,821, by the closing they had jumped to $21,821.  Traders were betting on the partnership between SCOTUS and HICC to add large profits to the bottom line by reducing the burden of extending citizens right-to-life beyond 78 years, the current US life expectancy: the lowest in the industrialized world.

Right-to-life Commodities Trader, Rufus Tufus, was in the trading pit, "None'a dese fools gonna live past 78... we in da money, dog... crazy fuck'rs ain't gonna extend no mo right-to-life... cost to damn much!  CHA CHING Mu'thur Fuck'rrr."


In a related statement, DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, offered, "This whole discussion is not about the Human right of life, but rather who will control it." 








DonJon Releases Episodic Novel, Claims Greatest Ever Written

NOTICE: THIS DOCUMENT HAS BEEN REDACTED BY HOMELAND SECURITY


For Immediate Release

Handled Messiahs Public Relations

Harry Martini, PRG


DonJon Releases Episodic Novel, Claims Greatest Ever Written

In a long awaited and highly anticipated announcement, DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, has released Episode One of The KING of MO: An Autobiography of a Dream. The episodic novel will be available exclusively on Amazon Kindle Prime for $2.99 and in their lending library free to Prime members.


Published by the Molocratic Press, the story is set in the infamous Chelsea Hotel beginning in 2000 where DonJon, a self-indulgent, dream-addicted Bohemian, finds his way into the Multiverse and discovers the truth behind the power pulling the strings on Earth. Meanwhile, Kyle 123456, a bankrupt social-climbing plutocrat, struggles as his new poverty-imposed Bohemian life overwhelms his aristocratic past. After DonJon encounters Kyle's dreams in a parallel dimension of the Multiverse, the duo teams up to overthrow G.R.E.E.D., a powerful consortium of long dead emperors, kings, feudal lords, dictators, robber barons, politicos, and cronies that control Humanity, including -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------.

DonJon describes the book as “an episodic dreamographical novel.” explaining, “unlike a typical novel, the events are entirely 100% factual and took place in one of the many parallel dimensions we inhabit.” Furthur claiming, “it’s the greatest Homeric epic ever written... that is a fact, Homer himself collaborated on it.” Other collaborators on the episodic novel are The Merry Molochsters, DonJon’s loosely disorganized group of friends, benefactors, and lovers, Max Penmark, Editor Extraordinaire, and Jace Toronto, Editor Perfectionaire.

The first to submit a critical review was Roger Turgid, Editor at XXXLarge of Moloch the Plutocracy, "DonJon is a deluded idiot... He should have kept his skinny ass out of the Multiverse and let Kyle continue to pursue his dream of being a capitalist champion.” Turgid qualified his review by adding, “In the interest of full disclosure, DonJon is my boss."

DonJon claims all six episodes of The KING of MO will be published by election day 2012, adding, “it’s the end of the World and I have a lot to finish before I’m finished.”


Send all Press Inquiries to:
Handled Messiahs Public Relations
Harry Martini, PRG
405.466.5624

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