Sunday, February 28, 2010

Beck Commands Lobotomites to Declare War on Human Progress

"Mr. Beck needs to stuff this language back where it came from," DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - Glenn "LobotoMary" Beck has commanded the Lobotomites to start a war on Human Progress.  The Lobotomites are Beck's lobotomized hoard of worshipful followers.  Beck commands the Lobotomites from his bunker at Foxy Newsy "hows that working out for ya" Network.

Foxy Newsy is owned by Lord Rupert "Long Heaps" Murdoch.  In an effort to control the Mis-information Industry, Murdoch invested in technology to perform surgical lobotomies via cable.  The procedure is technically termed a Media-Delivered Surgical Lobotomy, referred to in the Mis-Information Industry as a Media-botomy.  

Beck creates his ideas each morning by, "pounding his head and vomiting for four hours."  He claims the ritual connects him to his higher self, "I once used Everclear to find enlightenment, now I can induce it on command."   

He pronounced at the Conservative Fucked Up Dead Genetic Enders Political Action Committee (CFUDGE-PAC) Conference that, "Progressives are a disease."  The CFUDGE-PACers and Lobotomites yelped with delight when Beck brought out his Magic Chalkboard and commanded them to, "bleed the disease from their veins."  Apparently, conservative medicine has not progressed beyond Therapeutic Phlebotomy (bloodletting).

A Statement released by DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, offers, "History is ripe with those that think progress is the enemy of Human Being.  This opinion has merit in civil discourse, but this is not discourse and certainly not civil.  Mr. Beck needs to stuff this language back where it came from." 

NOTES:


  1. Crooks and Liars - http://crooksandliars.com/david-neiwert/glenn-becks-eliminationist-attacks-p
  2. Houston ExaminerGlen Beck says progressives must be eradicated 
  3. Alternet - Is Glen Beck Breeding Domestic Violence?

Friday, February 26, 2010

Right-to-life Futures Surge on Unalienable Rights Mercantile Exch

"How can our representatives dawdle while lives are at stake?" DonJon.


Chelsea Hotel (MP) - Right-to-life futures surged on the Unalienable Rights Mercantile Exchange (RiteX) after the White House bipartisan health care summit.  The price of 90 year maturity Right-to-life Futures Contracts (90-Lives) jumped 21% by the closing bell on Friday.  Traders were betting on the failure of health care legislation to protect citizens unalienable right-to-life.  90-Lives futures contracts price the likelihood of citizens living beyond 90 years.

At the RiteX Opening Bell the price of 90-Lives Futures Contracts were $19,821.21, by the closing they had jumped to $20,230.21.  Right-to-life Commodities Trader, Rufus Tufus, was in the trading pit, "None'a these fools gonna live to 90... we in da money, Dog... crazy fuck'rs ain't gonna reform no health care!  CHA CHING Mu'thur Fuck'rrr."


RiteX Commissioner, Former President George "Waterboy" Bush, stated, "he he, free markets...  he he, they will price life... only way... freedom, free markets... right Dick... Dick... DICK, where did Dick go?"

In a related statement, DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, offered, "Life is not a commodity.  This is a civil rights issue on the magnitude of American slavery, 45,000 die each year from lack of health care.  How can our representatives dawdle while lives are at stake?" 

NOTES:

  1. New York Times - http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/26/health/policy/26health.html?ref=us
  2. Crooks & Liars - "Let them Eat Applesauce," Limbaugh


Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Goldman in Titanic Struggle to Foreclose on Greek Pantheon

"These bank-holes should be reamed, pounded and thrown out with the trash,"  DonJon.


Chelsea Hotel (MP) - Recent reports from Athens, Greece confirm that Goldman Sachs O'Money is in foreclosure proceedings on the Greek Pantheon of Gods.  The Twelve Olympians have occupied the Greek Pantheon on Mount Olympus since the 7th Century BC.  "This is the only home we have known," states Zeus, King of the Gods, "It is especially hard on Hera, she had to go to work outside the Pantheon during the last recession." 

The Olympians purchased the Greek Pantheon from the Titans at the peak of the Pantheon bubble. Pantheon values have dropped by 30% since the beginning of the Great Banker Recession.

"The Olympians are in default," claims Goldman CEO and Grand Master of the Multiverse, Lloyd "BlankCheck" Blankfein.  "Zeus understood the terms, this is about personal responsibility," says Blankfien, "The Olympians have not changed with the times.  Seriously, Poseidon is still doing his old hippocampus show.  Demeter hasn't upgraded to corporate agricultural standards. Hephaestus  is still a blacksmith; seriously, metal work is all sourced out of China now.  The rest of them are just artists, lovers and boozers and don't produce an income.  Christ, even Hestia is still a virgin," rails Blankfien.

Blankfien confirmed rumors that Hades, Zeus' brother, has taken a position with Goldman, stating "Hades is a hell of a banker."  Hades, formerly Lord of the Dead and God of the Underworld, was appointed President of Goldman Sachs O'Money Pantheon Recapitalization Fund, "He is re-capitalizing the world Pantheon market after the bubble," states Blankfien, "We expect another round of huge fees and bonuses."  

It is uncertain what Goldman Sachs O'Money will do with the repossessed Greek Pantheon.  "We are considering a Pantheon of Financial Masters of the Multiverse," offers Blankfien, "Obviously, We control everything, are given huge sacrificial offerings, held blameless for our failures, and the People pray at our feet for financial salvation. It's the natural next step."

Asked for comment, DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy, offered, "These bank-holes should be reamed, pounded and thrown out with the trash!  And ultimately the People will do just that." 



NOTES:

New York TimesWall St. Helped to Mask Debt Fueling Europe’s Crisis
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/14/business/global/14debt.html?hp

Huffington Post - JPMorgan Bombing: Bomb Explodes At Bank Offices In Athens

Greeks Riot Over Nation's Financial Crisishttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/05/greeks-riot-over-nations_n_487835.html

Wikipedia - Twelve Olympians 



Tuesday, February 16, 2010

DonJon Releases State of the MoUnion

"I believe that this union is strong and willful and honest and caring and ultimately persuasive in the long and painful advancement of Being Human," DonJon.

Chelsea Hotel (MP) - DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy has issued his annual State of the MoUnion Address, a response to The President of the United States of American, Barack "Hopie" Obama.  Because DonJon claims to be "on the lamb" from Homeland Security, the speech was delivered at an undisclosed location.

A video statement speaks to the Union of Human Being, but offers no specifics on the advancement of the ideals outlined the speech.  When asked for more details, Harry Martini, publicist to DonJonVonavich, offered chuckling, "Specifics... You want specifics?  How much time do you have?  DonJon picks more ideas out of his nose than Hopie will have in his lifetime!"  

Below is the Video & Full Transcript:









Madam Shaman, Vice Molochster Martini, Members of the MoBoho Congress, Fellow Molochsters, Artists, and Seekers of Truth, Beauty and Love.

In the course of history, from time to time, the People have stood up to declare their Right of Human Being. One such moment is evidenced by a simple truth scribed on parchment in a small room in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania by a young Patriot of the Enlightenment. That Human Being had evolved to an Understanding of Mutual Equality, of Mutual Purpose, and of Mutual Pursuit; that this Understanding be guided by the Natural Laws and Unalienable Rights of Man and Nature; that this Understanding be formalized in the meager words available; that this Understanding be the purpose of a Union of Free People.

The seed of the American Union has harvested a great bounty for Human Being, democratic republican government, equality of the races, and global communication. But of singular importance, because of this union Mankind is one step closer to Being Human. But this American Union has faltered in the pursuit of this Understanding; Institutions have been constructed and recognized to have the natural rights afforded by this Understanding; Institutions that seek the domination of Man and Nature in defiance of this Understanding.

We the people that seek a more Human Being, know the truth of this Understanding, that the Natural Laws and Unalienable Rights of Man and Nature ordain no declaration, no charter or no constitution greater than the Sovereign Right of Being Human. That the only Union that is inevitable, persistent, and enduring is the Union of Human Being. A Union guided by the Universal Principle of Being Human, To treat those among us as we would be treated. A Union that affords no institution of government, religion or commerce the deep obligation that is ours alone, of Being Human.

It is this Union of Human Being of which the state we should be concerned.  

I believe that this Union is strong and willful and honest and caring and ultimately persuasive in the long and painful advancement of Being Human.  I believe that the lesser unions will stand down when the Union of Human Being stands up.  I believe it is this Union of Human Being which we must hold our Ultimate Allegiance.  

This Union of Human Being is bound supreme to the single law abiding in the deep well of Humanity; A law that is ever-present, all powerful, and infinitely wise.  A law that transcends the flawed and fractured languages; A law that is the truth, the meaning, and the purpose; A law that is evident in a billion beautiful acts, in a million loving communities, in a thousand lonesome moments of Being Human. It is in these lonesome moments that we are all one, that our desire know no language, no pursuit, and no love other than that of Being Human.

THANK YOU...

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Virgin Probe Spotted Retreating from Urvaginus

"We have a gentleman's agreement; I will probe Urvaginus first,"  DonJon.


Chelsea Hotel (MP) - MoBoho University Asstronomers spotted a mysterious X-shaped probe beating a hasty retreat from Urvaginus trailing Interstellar Spermal Streamers. Close inspection of the image, captured by NASA's Hubble Telescope, indicates that the probe may be property of Virgin Intergalactic, owned by Sir Richard “The De-Virginator” Branson. If true, the penetration of Urvaginus and premature retraction would be a breech of contract with DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of Moloch the Plutocracy over landing rights to the Planet.

Asstronomers at MoBoho University recently discovered the Planet nestled in the Tain'tisphere of Uranus. DonJonVonavich, MoBoho Dean of Students, dubbed the new planet "Urvaginus," and hailed it a "Life Affirming Discovery." Adding, "Trust me, I will live long enough to land this Mons Pubis laden Planet."

Within weeks of the discovery, DonJon announced a joint venture with Branson to land an Interstellar Probe on Urvaginus. The New Corporation, MoVirgin Inter-Urvaginus, was incorporated and Branson dedicated his largest Probe to the project. Initial tests of his Probe resulted in premature fuel tank ejaculation. DonJon is scheduled to led an Expeditionary Battalion of Certified Vagina Whisperers, known as the Fighting Carpet Munchers, to land Urvaginus.

It is uncertain if this announcement will jeopardize the expedition. "I respect Branson as a leader in tapping Virgin territory," stated DonJon, "But, we have a gentleman's agreement; I probe Urvaginus first. It is an alluring prize, if he is only thinking with his Interstellar Probe he will easily be drawn into the tain'tisphere of the Planet. Once the tain'tisphere is penetrated, he can't resist landing his Probe." When asked if his Probe and the Planet had any contact, Branson answered, "Uh, I don't know what your talking about... Uh, probe Urvaginus? Uh, no of course not... Uh, why do you ask?"






Urvaginus has been embroiled in controversy from the beginning of it's discovery. The Log Cabin Tea Baggers for Christ have denounce it as "Liberal Goddess Worshiping Pseudo-Socio-Commie-Science Propaganda," and claimed their Theostronomers had discovered Urpenis tucked tightly in the Tain'tisphere of Uranus.

Links:

NASA - Hubble Space Telescope - http://www.nasa.gov/mission_pages/hubble/science/asteroid-20100202.html

University of Arizona
HiRISE Project: http://hirise.lpl.arizona.edu/PSP_007962_2635


Thursday, February 4, 2010

DonJon Insights Wild Orgy in Wood Sexitarium





Chelsea Hotel (MP) - A letter written by Tiger "Long Baller" Woods and delivered to Moloch the Plutocracy titled, One Spew Over the Clitberry Bush, describes an outrageous orgy incited by DonJonVonavich, Eccentric Publisher of this pamphlet and his Publicist, Harry Martini, Founder of Handled Messiahs Public Relations.

Woods was committed to the Pine Grove Sexitarium for the Carnally Corrupt in Hatisburg, MS., where, apparently, DonJon was admitted under the name Wandle Patwick McPwankster as a Registered Sex Offender on the planet Pandora.  Woods has disappeared from Pine Grove and has not be seen since.

The Full Text of the Letter Follows:

One Spew Over the Clitberry Bush

From: Chief "Long Baller" Woods

To: Moloch the Plutocracy

I was committed to the Repeatedly Repeat Offenders Wing of the Pine Grove Sexitarium for the Carnally Corrupt for spewing my wad into more hookers, porn stars, gold diggers, groupies and roadies than my combined lifetime score in golf. The place is dismal in it's impotent beauty, sterile in it's lack of sexual emotion, decorated with refined monotone furnishings and bland facsimiles of art to appear inanimate and removed from the luscious movements of life. An impression that disguises the fact that it houses to the most perverted sex addicts and offenders in the Multiverse.